At Kinkfest in Melbourne sol and I were given some ACON safe sex packs. We were delighted to see these contained a dental dam, something we'd wanted to try since reading Curvaceous Dee's definitive post on dental dams a few months ago.
We highly recommend reading Dee's post ... plus this will give you a chance to view the magical photos of Dee testing the strength of her dental dam!
So, what's a dental dam?
Dental dams (also called oral dams) are a thin square or rectangular sterile latex (or non latex) device used by oral surgeons to create a sterile field in the mouth. They are also used to protect against transmission of bacteria and viruses during rimming and cunnilingus. Here's Wiki:
"In regard to safe sex practices, dental dams are most commonly recognized for their use during cunnilingus and anilingus to protect against the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases."
"If we're going to have sex with other people, the most important and effective prevention of STIs are barriers (latex or polyurethane condoms, dental dams or gloves) used correctly and consistently for all and any vaginal, anal and/or oral sex, with any or all of your partners"
Terri Wilder raises an interesting question when she asks:
"despite the fact that health educators tell people to use dental dams ...or to cut a condom open to use as a barrier when performing oral sex on a woman, I wonder how many people actually use these products..."
"Australian based researchers Peta Cox and Ruth McNair have conducted studies exploring the use of dental dams in the lesbian and same sex attracted women's community.
"This research conclusively found that women in our communities did not enjoy using dental dams and that dental dams were not effective in preventing the transmission of sexually transmissible infections (STIs). The only scenario in which a dental dam has been found to be effective in preventing or reducing the transmission of an STI is in the case of herpes when there is an outbreak present.
"These findings are reiterated in the paper "The practical and symbolic purpose of dental dams in lesbian safer sex promotion" by Juliet Richters and Stevie Clayton. The Clayton and Richters paper is based on Sydney and NSW research into lesbians and same sex attracted women and their use of dental dams. It also provides some history into the adoption of dental dams by the lesbian community as an initial response to HIV. Now it is known that sex between women is very low risk in terms of HIV transmission.
"In generalist health services and sexual health clinics dental dams are not recommended to heterosexual couples for use when performing oral sex on a woman. Dental dams are used successfully in sex worker communities predominantly in anal based oral sex to prevent the spread of hepatitis"
Juliet Richters and Stevie Clayton also published in Sexual Health. Here's their abstract:
"Dental dams are distributed and promoted in some safer sex campaigns for use in oral sex. However, whether and how often dams are used for sex between Australian women remains unknown.
"We investigated the use of dental dams for sex by lesbians and other women who have sex with women, and the relationship between dam use and sexual risk for this group. In 2004, a self-completion questionnaire was distributed to women attending the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Fair Day and lesbian community venues and health services in Sydney (n = 543). Among the 330 women who had had oral sex with a woman in the previous 6 months, 9.7% had used a dental dam and 2.1% had used one 'often'. There was little evidence of dam use for prevention of sexually transmissible infections"
Another interesting quote from first Clayton and Richters paper:
"dental dams are not manufactured, registered or tested for STI prevention purposes. No studies exist on their permeability to STI pathogens, although it is likely that they are at least as impermeable as condoms, which are also made of latex but thinner."
"The mechanical effectiveness of condoms and other barrier devices is not in doubt. Latex and polyurethane in the thickness used for condoms and other barrier devices do not permit transmission of any pathogen"
"The use of condoms for fellatio is controversial. Consistent use would prevent both partners from virtually all STDs transmitted by oral sex, but the risk is low without condoms and many sexually active persons find them distasteful, literally and functionally. There is similar antipathy to dental dams for cunnilingus or analingus, and most health experts recommend routine use of barriers for oral sex half-heartedly if at all."
Strange, isn't it? Obviously there are major pros and cons with dental dams, but as one safe sex site concludes:
"The use of a dam is up to you. Oral sex is considered to be less dangerous a practice than intercourse, and fellatio is often less dangerous than oral-anal sex. The level of protection you decide to use is your choice, but the safest sex dictates you use a dental dam at all times"
"being safe means making compromises. I feel dental dams are ideal if you’re going to play with someone whom you don’t know well, or who hasn’t been tested (or if you haven’t been tested, for that matter!). Sharing disease as well as orgasms is just not worth it."
If this is of interest you may want to track down the links in see References and Online Resources list at the bottom of this post. Meanwhile, back to sol's and my experience....
Sol and I can at least avoid the barriers / protection debate because we are fluid bonded. We don't have to use dental dams or other barriers during sex. However we thought dental dams might have D/s play potential - this "test run" was to both see how we found them from a sensitivity point of view as well as explore some other kinky possibilities.
Initially I had a problem separating dental dams from their other use. I encountered a mint flavored bright green dental dam last time I had root canal surgery at the dentist and it was so revolting it nearly put me off using dental dams for sex, for life.
OK OK I admit it, it was the dental surgery rather than the dental dam that put me off. But I did find the mint scented green latex a bit much. Luckily the dental dam in our safe sex pack was vanilla "flavored" and cream colored, so it wouldn't bring back any awful root canal memories. You can also buy flavors / scents like grape, banana and strawberry. Dee has even found cola and blueberry ones.
The dental dam in our safe sex pack came from Thailand so it had instructions in both languages:
"After lubrication with water-based lubricant an unpunctured dental dam may be held over the vulva or anus, allowing oral stimulation of these areas without transmission of bodily fluids and skin contact."
"There are a few important things to remember for extra comfort:
A little lube on the non-mouth side makes things a lot more fun for the receiver!
Marking the external side (with a wee black dot from a marker on one edge) will prevent confusion about which way up it goes if (say) a strong wind catches it.
Someone needs to hold the dental dam in place.With that last one you can have a bit of fun. Want to torment the receiver? Make them hold the edges against their thighs and try not to wriggle. Want control? Hold it yourself. In an orgy? Ask someone else to hold it! It is important, and it’s something it’s easy to miss. But once you’ve done it wrong you’ll never forget again! Why? Because if no one holds it … it gets inhaled. And choking plus laughter kills the moment quite impressively."
*grin* You can even buy a product to help you keep it in place! We knew Dee was 200% right about the lube so we fetched it:
Remember, you don't want to use oil based lubes like Vaseline, mineral / vegetable oils as they can cause the breakdown of the latex in the dental dam. Sol unpacked the dental dam:
He's holding it up to the light to double check it's free of holes or perforations. You can also run it under a tap to see if any water comes through. I took a sniff ... vanilla was certainly better than the mint one at the dentist! Sol then lubed my private bits:
And placed the dental dam in position:
You only use a dental dam once and you only use one side, so sol made sure this was in place to give me maximum fun. We agree with Dee about the need for having the dental dam held firmly, but for this short test run sol was able to hold it in place.
Sorry those photos are shaky ... without looking I was literally waving the camera in the right direction and just clicking. And once sol set to work I have to admit my mind was on other things than the camera:
Obviously there are differences between having a barrier and not having a barrier (ask anyone giving a blowjob to a condom covered cock). Sol usually enjoys seeing what he's doing and you can't really do that with dental dams in place. As Dee notes:
"Some are more transparent than others – and pressing them against the skin gives you a pretty good idea of contours. But mostly it’s a matter of finding your way by feel (and reaction)."
And that's really what it's all about ... taking the time to explore the new medium and work out how you can work with it. The dental dam is thin and strong and stretchy so you can work it into the contours and folds of the genital area. Alex Robboy wrote:
"To increase the sensation, the licker could try to create air bubbles while sucking and snapping them back. To increase the taste for the licker, put some Nutella on the dental dam. From what I hear Nutella is supposed to spread well on anything, morning noon or night, and it tastes like chocolate. What more could a person ask for?"
Sounds fun.
And it's not that bad, in regard to loss of sensitivity. My first response was probably the same as many men trying their first condom ... if I was honest it didn't feel as bad as I'd imagined. As one safe sex site observed:
"The feeling of a dental dam is different than the feeling of a tongue but it does not necessarily make it a bad thing"
Exactly. And it is sure a fun way to keep safe. I was definitely enjoying myself, lying back and letting the lube increase my sensitivity....
The only problem was we had a time limit and it was obvious that using dental dams was going to result in a much slower, more leisurely orgasm. So sadly we removed the dam. A few minutes later I came .... and a few minutes after that I allowed sol to come. Definitely a good start to a week, a double orgasm.
Later we discussed our "test run" in terms of kinky possibilities:
think of your dental dam as Dee does: as an extra toy in your kinky toybag ... and then start thinking of it's play possibilities. Dee writes of "snapping my partner’s thigh before using them. Squirting cold lube on hot bits and squishing it around with the latex. Finding erogenous zones with my tongue and nose and chin by feel" ... mmmm...
dental dams are not a bad way to start exploring a latex / rubber fetish with your partner. Latex / rubber garments and toys are expensive and hard to store. On the other hand a small strong and very stretchy rectangle of latex can be incorporated into sex and kinky play in lots of different ways. One thing: you'll get the right texture sensations from the dental dam but you will need to track down non flavored / unscented dams to get the proper latex smell.
after you've had a few "test runs" you can work out whether dental dams limit your personal sensation play or not. If you usually come quickly during oral sex, dental dams are a great way of slowing your orgasm down and making sex last longer.
for the person performing oral sex dental dams limit view, touch (via the tongue) and taste. In terms of kinky play this means you can utilize dental dams as a form of service. I can lie back and enjoy a leisurely scene with lots of oral attention while sol is denied some of the pleasure he usually experiences when allowed to go down on me without a latex barrier. The lovely kinky paradox of this is that he then experiences pleasure at being subjected to this form of denial.
Yep, Curvaceous Dee is definitely right ...using a dental dam is "a whole lot of fun"!
WANT ONE?
They can be hard to track down real time (more chemists should stock them) but you'll find plenty online. Non latex ones can be hard to source ... thankfully Dee's research turned up Hot Dam.
If you can't find a dental dam there are ways to make a barrier:
Using a condom (also here) (remember: "use unlubricated condoms and make sure they don’t have spermicide (it tastes bad and can actually increase your risk of HIV because it irritates")
Dee did some extra homework on making her own barriers out of condoms. Her final thoughts:
"I have just performed two experiments ... using Durex latex condoms: ripping one condom into a dental dam with teeth; and cutting another condom into a dental dam with scissors. And then attacking them with some stretching and tearing. (For both I turned condom into dam as per the video linked above – removing the tip, removing the ring at the other end, splitting down the middle.)It was reasonably easy to do both ways, although I actually found it simpler with teeth. It does make an acceptable dam in a pinch, but I feel it’s not ideal.
"Condom advantages: can see better what’s on the other side; easier to source condoms.
"Condom disadvantages: makes a narrower dam; tastes much worse; slightly weaker material.It did take serious teeth grabbing to rip it in the middle (as it does with original dams), but the edges are considerably easier to rip. Holding the makeshift dam in from the edges means it’s still quite strong. It’s nearly as stretchy as the original dam, too."
Another option is using clear wraps like Glad wrap / Saran wrap. You can do this BUT you need to make sure you only use non microwaveable clear wraps. This is important. Here's Dee:
"Most clear wraps these days are designed to be microwaveable – and this means that the pores in the wrap are large enough to allow bacteria and viruses to pass through."
"Cling wrap is likely to be effective simply because it is waterproof, although less robust than latex film. Cling wrap is cheap, readily available, odourless and thinner than latex dams. If a piece tears during use it can easily be replaced. It is thus likely to be more acceptable to women for regular use than dental dams, but because of uncertainty about its possible permeability, many authorities remain reluctant to encourage its use. Laboratory evidence for the performance of cling wrap as a barrier to pathogens would be very useful"
It certainly would.
Don't forget, if you keep dental dams in stock, to store them in a dry cool place away from direct sunlight. Heat can cause the latex in dams to deteriorate, making them more likely to break.
Sol made a new pervertable a few weeks ago, which has proved to be lots of fun. This is not an original idea, lots of friends have them ... although strangely I couldn't find many references online to show you. Perhaps it has a name I've not encountered yet?
This pervertable is so easy I don't think anyone needs instructions. Other than:
buy some beer ... drink it, then keep the bottle tops
recycle a piece of wood that fits a seat around your home
nail the bottle tops to the wood
OK you can buy lots of bottle tops in a packet, that's certainly quicker. However there is some discussion that unused bottle tops are not as sharp as used ones:
You can see these bottle tops are rather sharp at the top. If you are a seriously sick pervert you could also put some research into finding the meanest, sharpest bottle tops....
Sol set his in a grid so the bottle tops are in lovely straight lines, but equally you could just nail them on wherever, to create an asymmetrical pattern.
Basically you want enough bottle tops to cover a backside. We were thinking that we didn't want them too close to each other because you'd get a bed of nails effect and they wouldn't be as painful. But a friend in Sydney made one a couple of weeks ago with the bottle tops close and he's a mean bastard so the effect must still be fiendish!
When complete, you place the board on your chair (sol made it to fit this director's chair):
And place your sub on the board:
I asked sol what it felt like:
"painful .... like you have lots of bottle tops sticking in your ass".
I gave him a look. He tried again:
"what I mean is it feels exactly how it looks!"
He certainly found it hard to stay there for the time period I requested. Nice marks at the end:
End result: ten minutes work for hours of fun. Oh and we can even claim it's a green pervertable because of the recycling involved!
After another very successful Love Our Lurkers Day, Bonnie posted the event had 159 Participating Blogs and 2,942 Total Comments. I don't think we are in that tally as we were offline during the period we should have let Bonnie know, but it's not really an issue. The fun is in taking part ... and then in fulfilling the promise we made to all lurkers who commented either here or dropped me a line at Fet: that sol would receive ten cane strokes for each participant.
Last Sunday it was time....
Here's sol in position looking at all the corporal punishment implements:
I was going to be able to chose quite a few different implements. To make sure I didn't get confused as to what I'd used or not used, I planned to place the toys I'd used to sol's left. I started with a lovely S(A)X black leather and fur strop:
It's a perfect warm up tool. I said to sol "these first ten strokes are for morningstar ":
"the first lurker (sort of lurker) to say "HI"" :)"
I first encountered morningstar's blog The Journey via The Heron Clan about eighteen months ago now. Apart from anything else we share community concerns ... and she also looks fucking hot in corsets :)
I then picked up one of our beloved Eric Carwardine rattan canes:
These ten strokes were for the VBB, a genuine lurker ... I'm so pleased he dropped us a line:
"Ma'am I have recently found your blog and it has quickly become one of my favorite blogs to read. I really enjoy the educational aspect and I have learned a lot as my wife and I continue to explore our FLDD relationship. Hope you have a great LOL day. The VBB"
Please keep in touch ... I hope you both enjoy the lovely color your strokes brought up on sol:
Next, I used our new "tiger" cane:
These ten stokes were for Hermione:
"This is my first visit here. Thanks for being a part of LOL 6. I like the present! Hugs, Hermione in Canada"
I've been reading Hermione's Heart for a while now. She has a sense of whimsy and humor that delights me. As she has great style I thought she might like the "tiger" cane itself, with it's lovely burned markings, thuddy rather than whippy.
Results after ... let me see, yes sol's had thirty strokes:
I stopped for a moment to play with sol's bits:
Which inspired me to use this implement on his cock and balls:
The next very hard ten strikes on the genitals - which raised sol's knees off the floor lol - were for Chirenon from maleprotection:
"Hi (also from Canada). I've been lurking here for the past couple of weeks. I think I joined you as a follower a long time ago, but I only recently realized how much amazing content you've produced.
"I love all the things you do to Sol and I appreciate you sharing all the great photos. I loved the helicopter. I love the jailbird device and I hope you'll do even more photos of him in it from different angles, and more detailed photos of putting it on and taking it off. I love his sphinx and I would like to see more things done to him while he's in it, especially dildo fucking.
"The humiliation parties are great, but I wouldn't mind seeing a total CFNM party (as opposed to maid's outfits, etc.) On those lines, I hope you'll go hunting again and take lots more photos because I like seeing him naked in the wild while you're clothed. (Also, I hope he wears the jailbird during any CFNM parties or hunts --- pretty much at all times.)
"But --- all of that said --- the stapling photos were simply amazing. Among a wealth of favorites, those stand out as my absolute favorite. I would love for you to do that again. If you do, for variety it might be nice if it were staged in a more medical setting. Instead of having him in lingerie, he could be in a hospital gown that you strip him out of. Also, once he's stapled, I'd like to see him walk around that way and then then be on his hands and knees while he gets his ass pounded with a dildo, while his cock is helplessly sewn inside its prison.
"Anyway, those are just suggestions. I'm sure I'll be happy with whatever you do, since you're a visionary. Thanks for Lurkers Day and the opportunity to give you praise and feedback.
I wrote back in part that:
"I am also really pleased you liked the stapling. We haven't found anyone else doing that sort of thing. I was actually a bit worried about putting the photos up here because they are quite extreme, but it was such a hot scene I couldn't resist. Have you seen the video of that scene? There's one on my profile page at Fetlife."
"We are certainly planning to do more stapling and create the kind of scenes you mention (I also rather like the idea of stapling sol up at the beginning of a play party and then have him walk around in his chaps). So thank you for your comments, I know now there is someone out there who'll appreciate the scenes when we post them!"
As requested we'll also definitely do something with the Sphinx around Xmas time :)
Back to sol's backside .... next, I used an equestrian plaited leather covered cane:
They are called show canes and are rarely used now except in formal show hacking events. Much more useful in a BDSM toy box *grin*. These ten strokes were for SPANKEDHORTIC II:
"Being in Oz does that make this 707 day for you :) Hope the caning goes well. Prefectdt"
The caning certainly went well Prefectdt, thank you so much for contributing to our fun :). And readers if you've not visited his blog, then do!!! Keeping things horsey I brought out our riding crop next:
Aware I was landing heavier strokes on sol's left ass cheek I concentrated on striking his right cheek, pulling it open with my right hand so the flat leather tip of the crop would impact on the soft inner flesh:
Sol makes nice noises when I do this. These strokes were for Todd and Suzy:
Happy LOL Day! :) ~Todd and Suzy
Have fun visiting their website, the American Spanking Society. Next came our infamous rawhide cane:
And finally a new light very swishy cane made and gifted by a Master we met at Roissy:
These strokes were for lurkers who contacted me privately via Fetlife. About 20 people contacted me but most didn't want sol to "be punished" as they saw it. I'm sort of in the middle of explaining that for sol, being a masochist, NOT caning him is the "punishment". But meanwhile I kept this part of the scene to about twenty or so light to medium strokes.
He had a lovely blush going:
Here he is dragging his fingernails over the marks to feel his welts:
He had some nice welts but they are hard to see in these pix:
But I hadn't quite finished ...
We moved to the bed platform, where sol gave me a very enjoyable orgasm. I then allowed him to play with himself while I administered a final ten last sharp slaps to his balls:
These were for another lurker who wrote via Fet, who enjoys our CBT play. When we reached one hundred strokes (all up, for all the different implements on different parts of sol)....
I generously gave him permission to come:
We were both so happily sated we just lay on the bed and smiled at each other. It really was a great afternoon. Sol wrote:
"well that certainly fun ... it really got me buzzy! I look forward to the next Love Our Lurker Day very much. Can we do 20 strokes each next time??"
LOL.Why wait til next year. If you want sol caned for you, drop us a line anytime!
Thank you again to the amazing Bonnie for creating and promoting Love Our Lurkers, and to everyone who took part this year. It's an honor to take part each year, and great to catch up with old friends ... as well as make new ones, especially so many from Canada :)
Readers, let's talk semantics. I'm sincerely interested in how you define the term "vanilla" in a BDSM lifestyle sense. I'm also interested in your thoughts on whether vanillas should attend scene events. This post will tie the two together.
This has got very long with everyone's feedback so I've reformatted it like a BDSM For Beginner series post which gives you a list of the topics we'll be covering and includes a References and Online Resources List for further reading if this is a topic that interests you. We'll be looking at:
What the term vanilla means in a BDSM context
What vanilla doesn't mean
Munches, who attends them and why vanillas usually don't
BDSM event screening
Problems when vanillas attend BDSM events - a case study
Conclusions
The usual quick housekeeping notes re BDSM For Beginners series posts:
These posts are usually very long (they are often based on my notes for two hour seminars). They require a pee break in the middle, unless you are a severe masochist, and at least one coffee break. You think I'm joking, don't you ... ha! Okay, cross your legs then ...
BDSM For Beginners' posts are not so much about my own experience as collating the experiences of other kinksters and checking out some good links for you, to further explore subjects that interest you. If you'd like your experiences and any advice added to this post, drop me a line either in the comments section or via my profile at Fetlife. I usually update every day the first week a post is up and then usually once a month (last update Dec2011).
Ready?
WHAT'S THE TERM VANILLA MEAN IN A BDSM CONTEXT
"The vanilla bean is strong and sticky gooey, Mmmm sexy. It certainly isn't plain." chance - comments
"a description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes this type of sex. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve such elements as BDSM, kink, or fetish activities...
"The term "vanilla" derives from the use of vanilla extract as the basic flavoring for ice cream, and by extension, meaning "plain" or "conventional". In relationships where only one partner enjoys less conventional forms of sexual expression, the partner who does not enjoy such activities is often referred to as the vanilla partner..."
"Colloquial Not interested in or involved with BDSM or activities related to BDSM; as, a vanilla person. Usage: Sometimes considered condescending or insulting"
The latter is sometimes true, but I think these days it's a term that's mostly been reclaimed. You also find the term "'nilla" being used affectionately in the scene - see chance's quote above. I have several blogger friends who use "vanilla" in their blog titles. Fet has about 500 kinksters who use vanilla in their name, and about the same number of groups. And also of course "being vanilla" is not just a term used in the scene. Check out the responses in Urban Dictionary - you may be called a vanilla if you prefer:
"an activity or thing in its basic and unmodified state. Refers to vanilla ice cream. Used when expressing a preference for having something the traditional way. For example "I like my burgers vanilla, no mayonnaise or bacon for me please" "
Here are some of the responses from different people on yahoo answers to the question "in BDSM what is vanilla?"
"Vanilla is non-kinky sex. As BDSM by definition is kinky, vanilla BDSM just doesn't exist."
"In BDSM, vanilla is everything that is out of BDSM. Any sort of traditional/normal/non kinky sex that doesn't involve power dynamics is often considered vanilla."
"Vanilla" is sex that doesn't involve anything unusual basically. We usually use the term "vanilla" to describe sex that doesn't involve bdsm or any other fetish or paraphilia. A person can also be called "vanilla" if they aren't into bdsm or fetishism. "Vanilla" is generally synonyms with "plain".
"Vanilla is someone "traditional". Usually not into the whole dom/sub thing. "
"It means you are not into the kinky stuff."
Do you agree with these? Because if you work off those definitions, then here's:
WHAT'S NOT VANILLA
"how does one pass from vanilla to BDSM if the door is so well guarded?" dsfetishman - comment below
To me, the most important thing that's not vanilla is ... a new kinkster. They are kinky. No matter that they have never experienced anything kinky or BDSM wise, they possess the desire and hopefully will explore it.
Not everyone agrees with this. Which is as it should be lol. When I was younger I used to talk about crossing from vanilla to kink in sol's and my own journey. It's terminology a lot of us use ... for example, dsfetishman in his comment below:
"how does one pass from vanilla to BDSM if the door is so well guarded? Is reading about and viewing media sufficient schooling for someone to qualify them a entry pass? Isn't there a palpable difference between real and memorex?
"I suppose many struggle with how to pass through the door from one world to another. And it is a boundary not a place and one can't exist on a line... you are on one side or the other... or crossing it"
I wanted to share with him that there's even a term for this rite of passage: emergence. Which Mistress Steel describes as the process of:
"emerging from vanilla into the BDSM lifestyle, something like emerging from a cocoon"
She outlines several phases:
"At the onset many people are uncertain 'where' they might fall in this new world and they may have conflicting fantasies which in essence tell them merely that 'things' in this lifestyle seem to address images, fantasies, thoughts, hopes and dreams which have lingered just below the surface of the individual's life sometimes for many, many years..."
I like Mistress Steel's articles very much but in this case the uncertainties she describes simply reinforce the idea that we are born kinky in a vanilla world.
Vanilla manifests in lots of ways. I have friends that are "scene friendly" but they are definitely vanilla. I have friends that are "BDSM / kink friendly" and even try a bit on slap and tickle in their sex now and then, but they are clear they are still vanilla. And they are right. This blog makes them faint lol. I have friends who live a vanilla lifestyle but dream of BDSM. They desire the dark side. They are kinky ... and we all know at some point their journey will begin, probably by attending a munch.
Unfortunately, amongst other negative elements there are also, as Mistress Steel reports:
"those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that 'edge' of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life"
This means that when one does attend an event some care must be taken.
MUNCHES, WHO ATTENDS THEM AND WHY VANILLAS USUALLY DON'T
"I was ... very proud of myself that I have taken the step to reach out and meet so many like minded people, right here in my own community"
t - private correspondence
Time for some more definitions. Wiki is fairly clear that BDSM events like munches and play parties are:
" social event[s] in which people practice BDSM and socialize with like-minded people"
They checked that statement with three references:
Brame G. (2001)Come Hither! A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex, Fusion Press, London, page 63
So they must feel okay about representing the community's views. What about munches? Munches are held at vanilla venues, sure, but they are (as Franklin Veaux's BDSM Glossary defines them):
" informal social gatherings of people interested in BDSM, usually in a public place such as a restaurant or cafe, for the purpose of meeting other like-minded people and socializing. A munch is generally a low-pressure gathering without overt BDSM overtones."
"The couples we have met are really upstanding folk who have hobbies, careers, families, and very interesting lives outside of D/s. We have our share of vanilla friends who we enjoy socializing with as well. But there is something very special sitting down to a meal with people who understand what this is all about. It's reassuring, too. it is really great getting together with such fine folk who understand it"
Absolutely.
So who normally attends munches? Jay Wiseman (the definitive writer on munches, a lot of event organizers send new attendees his article) was once asked what kind of people attend munches:
"People who attend munches can vary widely, however as a group they tend to be highly intelligent, highly imaginative, and highly individualistic. Essentially all attendees have a personal interest in BDSM ...
"Some munches are especially intended for certain types of people such as people of a certain age range or people with an interest in a particular aspect of BDSM play, and these are usually specifically advertised as such. While munches are definitely open to people of all sexual orientations, most have something of a mixed-gender, heterosexual/bisexual tone to them. People who cross-dress and transgendered people also sometimes attend. (If you have an interest in one-gender events, the munch hosts will likely be able to make a referral.)
"Munches are almost always for adults only and persons under 18 should not be brought unless the ground rules of the munch specifically state that they are welcome.
Let's summarize that:
Essentially all attendees have a personal interest in BDSM
Munches are almost always for adults only / persons under 18 should not attend
Jay wrote his article about munches a while back now but contemporary BDSM writers often echo his views. One example is Holly Pervocracy of Pervocracy who noted in her mid 2011 post "Asymmetrical perceptions":
" I think everyone at BDSM parties should have to identify themselves as a kinkster, as part of the party, not as a spectator"
"asymmetry [that] plagues almost any sex-positive endeavor that's open to the public. Hold a BDSM demonstration that involves nudity, and some people are going to ogle it like a strip show."
She sees "this asymmetry of perceptions is mainly due to two factors: context and participation." To place her first quote above in context:
"A big cause of asymmetrical perceptions at live events is when people are playing asymmetrical roles. People who put themselves in the role of "audience member" or "customer" at sex-positive activities tend to cause many more problems than people who put themselves in the role of "participant.
"I don't think everyone at BDSM parties has to play. But I think everyone at BDSM parties should have to identify themselves as a kinkster, as part of the party, not as a spectator. In practical terms, I think it would help to require everyone to help in some way to create the event. This could be an entirely token thing--bring one bag of chips, pick up one piece of trash--and it would still help people feel more like community members, less like consumers. And this is a second reason that I think "munch before you party" is so important.
"In a way, this is simply another aspect of providing context--letting people know that by engaging with sex-positive culture, they are now a part of it. Whatever false dichotomy someone had between "perverts like them" and "normal people like me" should be destroyed the instant they start getting enjoyment from the perverts."
Holly Pervocracy raises issues that are very important to BDSM event organizers. She is absolutely right when she points out that:
"people who put themselves in the role of "audience member" or "customer" at sex-positive activities tend to cause many more problems than people who put themselves in the role of "participant".
As a BBSM event organizer I take great care to make sure only "participants" attend my events, which was why it made sense to follow Jay Wiseman's ground rules. Every month members gather from Fet's Northern NSW group and we have a great time. For new attendees it's often the first time they have been in an environment with like minded individuals, where they can discuss all things kinky. I can't tell you how many messages I've received that thank me for providing a space where new kinksters can finally be themselves. They are very precious to me. Here's one:
"I was ... very proud of myself that I have taken the step to reach out and meet so many like minded people, right here in my own community ... It was nice to know that there are REAL people in this world, and some even close to home, that are there to talk with and act as a support to me"
Have (to use Holly Pervocracy's term) "audience members" or non participants attended these events? Now and then, when child minding arrangements have fallen through, yes. But the parent concerned has always contacted me in advance and asked if it's okay for the kids to attend. I then drop other attendees a line.
We now also hold "family munches" where everyone can bring family members, and it's understood that at these munches kinky conversation will be limited. These "family munches" often provide tremendous support and validation for kinksters, especially those who are married to vanilla partners. I've personally observed this ... and so has helza (see in the comment section below):
"I once went to a munch where a married couple were present, one of whom is kinky and the other vanilla. The vanilla partner is supportive of the other's involvement in bdsm, has a great deal of knowledge about bdsm, and came with the spouse to meet friends and share and deepen their understanding of this side of their partner's life. I thought this was wonderful, and cannot see how it could possibly threaten others in the bdsm lifestyle"
I agree.
Helza nails the problem spot on when she continues:
" it seems to me that perhaps there are two scenarios, one where people bring along vanilla friends or family who are well aware of their involvement and interest in bdsm and who are open-minded and accepting of it: and the other where people bring along vanilla friends or family who do not know about their involvement, or have an understanding of bdsm. I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would do that, as it would defeat the whole point of a munch, and I would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending. I would be more than happy, however to meet and be open with vanilla folk who are "kink-friendly"
Exactly. And that often happens. Attendees sometimes bring a new kinkster lover or friend who shares their interests and wants to find out more.
But I should like to make it clear that in three years of holding monthly munches only once has an attendee asked to bring a vanilla partner or friend (their husband) to a non family munch (he never came in the end). It's always been understood as Jay Wiseman states, that the munches are for those with "a personal interest in BDSM". Helza echoes this when she writes above in regard to her second scenario, that bringing vanilla friends or family with no interest or understanding of BDSM:
"would defeat the whole point of a munch"
And that she:
"would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending"
Okay lol so we could go round in circles trying to define terms like "a personal interest in BDSM" and "the whole point of a munch" ... but for me the point being made is further validated via BDSM event screening processes.
BDSM EVENT SCREENING
"The screening process is designed ... to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks" Sensuous Sadie
Now and then you find a BDSM event organizer who's very upfront in stating she does not screen her events, and that the safety of attendees at her events is not her responsibility. The other side of that are the BDSM event organizers who screen. Why do we do that? Here's Sensuous Sadie:
"The screening process is designed to weed out people who aren't really interested in or involved in D/s -- we don't want gawkers at gatherings -- and to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks."
Let's just hear a bit more about it. The primary concern of Sadie's BDSM group:
" is that our group have in it only genuine D/s lifestyle people who are safe to have in our community... which actually protects the guest's individual privacy in the long run...
"We like to know who each person is, their phone number, and where they live. We also like to know if people are Dom/sub/or switch, hetro/bi/bi-curious/gay/lesbian/transgendered, single or coupled, and a little about their D/s history -- complete newbies, or the extent of their experience. Talking about such things gives us a chance to get a feel for people; weirdoes or gawkers give themselves away in the course of such conversations"
Let's summarize that as well:
we screen to weed out people who aren't really interested in or involved in D/s because we don't want gawkers at gatherings
we screen to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks
screening also protects the guest's individual privacy
"those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that 'edge' of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life"
"there are two types of people who are not welcome to just come and watch:
1) Tourists. These are people who show up in street clothes, don't play, don't mention being kinky themselves, don't mingle, and openly gawk or even laugh at scenes. They see themselves as "normal people" here to observe the fascinating local culture of the charming natives.
2) Creeps. These are people who see themselves as kinky, but still see the kink world as there for their convenience. They may be appropriately dressed or not, but they don't socialize except with their preferred "target" demographic and they leer or stare at scenes and at sexily dressed people. They tend to touch or talk to people inappropriately. In general, they act like they're trying to somehow harvest sex and sexiness from the kink world"
Not really people you want to encounter at your first event. This is in part why more and more kinky event organizers are bringing in BDSM screening. As I wrote on the earlier post about munches:
"Munches are not highly screened. Munches are often publicly advertised and are generally open to all attendees who can observe a few basic rules of social conduct. What this means is that very little can be certain about a person's level of knowledge, experience, or trustworthiness from the mere fact that they are at a munch. While most attendees are fine in this regard, every now and then someone attends that you most definitely do not want to find yourself alone with - particularly if you're tied up!"
"However it is becoming more common to screen munches, as munch groups deal with attendees' concerns about local predators and non kinksters"
"Vanilla people who have no understanding of the bdsm scene and no understanding of the protocols really have no place being at events. It can lead to uncomfortable situations for all and in some cases, can be dangerous."
Let's elaborate on that.
PROBLEMS WITH VANILLAS AT BDSM EVENTS - A CASE STUDY
"A guy called Earl Wilson once said, "If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it."" SirTrisk, comments below
While writing this I've come across quite a few kinksters who - while admitting they have never attended a kinky event with vanillas - find it hard to understand how the presence of vanillas at scene events can cause a problem. In this part of the post I'm going to focus on one specific incident to provide an example of the disharmony and backlash that resulted after vanillas attended local events.
SirTrisk and his slave slaveinchains are respected members of the Australian scene. slaveinchains wrote the quote above after several incidents in the Queensland scene where vanillas - definitely not new kinksters - attended events with very negative results. Not only munches but play parties. In fact vanillas attending events is an increasing concern in that scene. I think I've had about five people raise the subject with me. slaveinchains continues :
"Some of the annoying things I have seen happen include: Strangers going into people's toy bags without consent Strangers taking and using other people's tools People walking up to a submissive tied to a cross, during play to talk with them People walking in the path of a flogger while in full swing.
"The first three are annoying but the last one can actually lead to the person hit by the flogger accusing the person weilding it of assault. It happens because the new people have no idea about expected behaviours or protocols. Often they have no genuine interest in the scene, other than a place to get their jollies.
"More annoying was the time I was at an event and a strange man who had been wandering around all night decided to 'feel me up' simply because he had seen Master doing it. No consent was obtained by this man, from either Master or me and certainly would not have been given.
"Getting more dangerous, was the time a submissive had been involved in breath play at a party then a man who didn't know her wrapped his hands around her throat because, hey, she'd already done it with someone it must be open season."
This complaint may look to you like nothing new, just like the usual rant about bad behavior from new kinksters at play parties. But remember we are talking about events happening at a scene where vanillas are present. That's people without a kinky bone in their body, no awareness of dungeon etiquette, someone's relatives, underage teen, just turned 18 or whatever. Which makes it much worse, as dsfetishman confirms:
"A play party is a whole other level and while people will socialize the purpose is to scene. As such a vanilla person would be a gawker, a journalist... a researcher... but not a part of the community. Depending on their decorum this could be a real problem"
Beyond frustrated, slaveinchains raised the matter in Fet's Australia - Spit the Dummy group where you are allowed to have a rant:
"Taking vanillas to scene events. I've come across this a few times. People taking a vanilla friend or relative to a scene event. It pisses me off quite frankly. I don't care how kink friendly they are. Scene events are for scene people. A person who is new with a genuine interest, no problem. What I don't like is a vanilla person tagging along. Be it a party or munch. These events are for scene people. Either leave your nilla friends at home or don't come."
What slaveinchains has written matches helza's second scenario, that we quoted above:
"where people bring along vanilla friends or family who do not know about their involvement, or have an understanding of bdsm. I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would do that, as it would defeat the whole point of a munch, and I would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending"
And it's not exactly an uncommon view in the scene. Unfortunately the responses slaveinchains received would make you think the opposite. I can't quote those responses on that thread because the very nice group moderator sent me this:
PLEASE REMOVE ANY POSTS STOLEN FROM THIS THREAD FROM YOUR BLOG UNLESS YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION OF EVERYONE WHO HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THIS THREAD. WHICH YOU DONT. GROUP OWNER UMM-R
Well, actually GROUP OWNER UMM-R you might need to be careful there. It's fascinating watching your flock on Fet deny and delete and ban and here, comment below. But it won't stop interested readers checking out all their original responses via the link in the References and Online Resources list at the bottom of the post, including the bit where this post gets mentioned :). For now I'll paraphrase rather than directly quote each response, which IS allowed - and has been vetted - by Fet Caretakers. Who I am sure will soon remove the entire thread for what sol is correct in calling "bullying".
Right, where we we? As you can see, slaveinchains did not refer to any specific Australian scene community or event. Despite this a local event organizer decided the post referred to her events specifically and roused her support team.
Pack mentality then took hold. The result was what Ms_Neta and I call Crucifixion by Fet. slaveinchains was repeatedly insulted (please note these responses have been paraphrased and removed from quotations to meet with Fet's TOS: you naughty slave you .... totally intolerant ... a joke and so very naive .... crotchy old complainer ... pack of shit ... If you don't like it, perhaps it's you who should not be going to scene things .... difficulty solved!) as was SirTrisk when he raised one of the actual incidents that happened, which slaveinchains mentioned above:
SirTrisk: Bob, the 'nilla I'd kick out of an event is the one who watches breath-play being done, finds the submissive later and thinks that since they played with someone else it was OK for him to try strangling them.
****: (please note this response have been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS:) @SirTrisk, how did you know they were vanilla? Were they in some kind of /matching outfit? Perhaps a/ cardy? Did the vanilla just come up to the sub and put their hands around their throat?
Not really an incident to joke about, is it?
slaveinchains was then reprimanded like a child when GROUP OWNER UMM-R claimed she edited the original post . A longer thoughtful post on her profile trying to explain the whole issue ("in the interest of clear communications, I offer this") was completely ignored by the pack.
What's extraordinary about the responses - apart from their vitriol and the fuss they are kicking up now about this post - was the level of ignorance about BDSM scene events and who should attend them. Remember how clear helza was when quoted above - you immediately knew and trusted that she understood "the whole point of a munch" when she wrote about attending them. Equally slaveinchains made very clear in her second post (on her profile) that she was talking about vanillas, not new kinksters, attending events:
"When someone is new to the scene, I don't consider them vanilla. Personally, I don't believe they ever were, they simply hadn't discovered this aspect of themselves yet. To me, a vanilla person is someone who never really had an interest in bdsm and never will. They might do a bit of kinky hanky panky, but they don't understand the different headspace involved. They don't get it can be more than a furry pair of handcuffs and a silk scarf. They don't see that roles of Dominant and submissive can extend beyond sex or even the bedroom and they certainly don't understand why you would ever want it to."
Her views fit every definition I've quoted above. And the vanillas who have attended these local events range from non kinky relatives to just over / under 18s, so they absolutely do not meet Jay Wiseman's munch event attendance criteria. Yet here are some of the responses she received on her thread:
(please note these responses have been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)
The OP says which is just silly - "Be it a party or munch. These events are for scene people." I mean, good grief, how do people move from vanilla to scenesters of they are not welcome at munches or events until they are certified as kinky? The mind boggles.
why should behavior change when attending a munch. Maybe tolerance is required? Just because they are attending with a friend, I am sure that they would be aware of the type of function it is Only someone who is BDSM friendly or curious would attend anyway. . Who died and made you judge and the people who sit in the box and say guilty or not
Put your hands up everyone who was NEVER vanilla
This is the biggest pile of poo l've come across in many long distinguished years ...
@OP..... Have you considered the fact that you are the big mistake here not vanillas
: .... some days you just got to wonder what geological formation some of members have crawled out from under .... The level of intolerance and prejudism that I see in the fetish community makes the nilla community look so tempting to live my life within. @OP - what exactly is wrong with some nillas coming along to events with a friend/s?
is a munch a BDSM event? if it is then why is there no bottoms with no clothes on tied down on furniture having fun? a munch is a munch and vanillas are welcome as far as i know.
Well, actually nooo, not in most of the kinky world.
I found it interesting that the munch organizer who claimed it was her munch that the vanillas attended also admitted she was not told that they would be there. That's not good, not knowing who's attending. That's why we have BDSM screening, and that's why munch organizers should keep track of who's at their event.
As I mentioned at the top of this section other posters didn't believe the presence of vanillas could influence a kinky event:
(please note this response has been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)
I’ve never meet a ‘BDSM’ person who has been so upset by the presence of tag along vanillas at a munch , they felt unable to act in their usual way. My experience has been that having a vanilla present results in some BDSM people exaggerating what they do when others are present just to get a response. ... I'd also like to meet the vanilla who could stop any BDSM person doing what comes naturally.
With respect I think these posters remain unaware of the wider agenda within which slaveinchains' post was made, but as an event organizer myself, I can confirm that the presence of under age kids at a munch puts a halt on all BDSM conversation. Especially teens. Believe me, they totally stop kinksters "doing what comes naturally". Everyone sits politely and talks about the weather.
CONCLUSION
"All it takes for evil to flourish...." SirTrisk - private communication
Endless topic, vanilla, it seems. So what we can learn from all this?
That there is good reason past and present BDSM event organizers remind us to keep our events only for those within the scene. Other event organizers agree, this matter is really is nothing new - see mischeifsub's comment below:
"I run a group that runs events, workshops and munches and we have a very strict screening process but occasionally a voyeur has gotten past it.... it ends in a not good way. Vanillas as you define it, do make other people uncomfortable at kink events and I "personally" do not wish to talk or play round vanillas for fear of judgement, or comments or..."
It's important to remember who we are. It's important to remember that our community is vulnerable, that our community is a gift that not all kinksters can share. We need to remember the unwritten ground rules that guard us - the importance of friendships, of education, of safe play and dungeon masters, of avoiding conflict within the scene. How we behave when such issues rise matters. As SirTrisk writes below:
"It matters because if people respond this way to a rant, how are they going to behave at a scene event. And that's the main thing: it matters because this isn't a play, these are real people who really act and think this way."
We also need to take responsibility for our words. The paraphrased response below was taken from one poster's thread trying to justifying her actions on slaveinchains' thread:
(please note this response has been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)
should we have a duty to counteract / neutralize those who cock up? There was a thread on Fet about taking vanillas to kinky events ... the OP was /intimating this wasn't a good thing, and it could make people feel /ill at ease / uneasy / anxious and that the vanillas might behave in an/ improper / unsuitable -/ inapt / unbecoming / inept way. I made /over five responses. I didn't really want to talk /insultingly to or about / the OP, although i thought it was aan /unhappy mirror image on her opinions/, if she really wanted /kink to be as some sort of /area that protesters are legally prohibited from protesting in.
I don't want to /make clean by removing dirt, filth, or unwanted/ bdsm or even have it be a legitimate recreation. I don't want canes sold in Coles etc etc. However, a lot of the time, when people don't understand something, they tend to /talk insultingly to or about it, or be /frightened by it, and that's how silly /a broad statement about a group of people or things come about.
I think i would always/greet 'nilla people at events, as long as they have been /educated about the basics of /scene manners / courtesy / protocols
I mean, some /slang term for older people in the scene could really do with /an education in /scene manners / courtesy / protocols, right? I mean, how do you tell a /person is vanilla anyway?... I read an article in /a young woman' magazine years ago, that the most common female fantasy was being [please read the original this is beyond me!] Sounds /very warm!
I am /(of writing or speech) being lengthy and confused or inconsequential. The /article, object, item is, when someone does say something /controversial, antagonistic, there's a lot of people who leap in to the fray to have their say, sometimes in a /very very /mean /manner. Is this /productive healthy /dialogue? Any thoughts? Where is the line between vigorous /discussion and just being /frightful, terrible, abominable, unspeakable and /reverse, opposite?"
"It was a general rant on the topic, but I forgot people don't tend to read the words written. People read what they think you were thinking and reply to that. Others will then come along and reply to the reply about what you might have been thinking when you wrote it and so on
"I have nothing against vanilla people, hell my whole family is full of them! ... It's just that when I attend a munch or an event, I don't want to be made to feel like a freak because I am being me, among the people who I would expect to accept it. When I can't be 'amongst my own kind' in an environment I think is safe to be open about who I am, then what is the point of going to any event? What becomes of the scene then?"
I know exactly what slaveinchains means. We tread such a fine line, balancing our personal worlds of BDSM and the vanilla world around us. I respect that vanilla world. I respect that some kinksters want to allow vanillas into their world. And if the local scene here - and their friends on Fet - want to allow vanillas into their events, good luck to them, I sincerely wish them well. No insults from my end to any of them :)
But the events I create are not for "audience members" / non participants / vanillas. They are for kinksters. All types of kinksters, many of whom have not been treated too well by the vanilla world. My events (whether munches or play events or educational workshops) and our home and this blog are a refuge from that world.
dsfetishman muses belowthat "[these topics] raise the issue of how does one pass ... if the door is so well guarded?". But no event organizer uses BDSM screening to guard against new kinksters. The door opens wide. I will never forget the grateful looks new kinksters give me at their first munch when they realize they are entirely amongst like minds, and can finally relax their guard. Safe from unfriendly eyes.
So I'm staying in line with most other kinky event organizers worldwide. I'll go on using BDSM screening, I'll go on using Jay Wiseman's ground rules as to who should attend munches. So that I can go on providing kinky event environments "safe to be open about who I am". Somewhere slaveinchains is always welcome.
Thank you: SirTrisk and slaveinchains dsfetishman helza Sensuous Sadie Mistress Steel Jay Wiseman servingB Franklin Veaux Wiki Holly Pervocracy
special thanks to snugglepot for all the behind the scenes help great work, sweetheart you're been read by about 1040 people :)
and the other posters on the Taking vanillas to scene events thread I really enjoyed paraphrasing :) Photo: Ms160 http://herbalreleaf.com/about-vanilla/49/
A complaint about this blog has apparently been made to Blogger by carinastar regarding my Defining Vanilla post.
I hope Blogger will see the complaint for the spite it is and not bother with it. However all sex bloggers know Blogger's views these days. If Blogger cancels my account the BDSM For Beginners blog will also be lost. I will be particularly concerned for kinksters searching for the much used Emergency Self Aftercare post, if this occurs.
Aware Blogger would prefer us gone we've been working on finding another home. Mistress160.com and later bdsmforbeginners.com will be online soon, with each blog transferred intact. We've been with Blogger a long time and will be sorry to go, we hope Blogger will grant us time to make the transition ourselves and close things down here.
The main thing is don't panic if sol and I vanish here. We look forward to welcoming you at our new homes soon :)
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Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Mistress160 and the referenced blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
ADULT CONTENT DISCLAIMER: The writing on these pages is intended for ADULTS ONLY. If you are under your country's legal age please leave immediately.
Ms160 "plowing" with sol at recent Outdoor Play Weekend (photo courtesy: Not Excessive)
POSTS IN PROGRESS + JUST UP + POPULAR + ALSO EVENTS COMING UP :)
Welcome to my abode, secure from all the world, where the most secret of desires may be explored in safety and privacy.
"Smart, funny and very wicked" Mistress160's "excellent" blog "offers education, sensuality, testimonials from subs + a wide array of [educational] resources suitable for everyone interested in BDSM (from connoisseur to novice)"
Looking for my BDSM For Beginners series? You can check out my educational blog here, while Kink Culture will keep you up to date with the fetish art / culture scene and my various articles.
I also have two private blogs, one focusing on more extreme play / edgeplay, and the other documenting our new D/s Retreat in the Northern Rivers region of NSW. Drop me a line if you would like access. WANT TO CONTACT Ms160? I look forward to hearing from you - you can also contact me via the private message system at Fetlife. I don't IM much these days due to time differences and the fact chatting takes up enormous amounts of my solar power!
"I remain amazed at the diversity you two exhibit! That blog had me thinking very nasty thoughts Ms160... sol is a lucky guy to have such a deliciously deviant Domme!" billc393 - cc forum (Jan 2009)
Mistress160 is an Australian lifestyle Dominant, kink educator and eco kinkster. She writes:
"my kinky interests and desires are diverse, eclectic and extreme, pushing the boundaries of BDSM. My sub husband solipsist and I enjoy an intense and rewarding D/s relationship, and are active in the Australian scene. In 2008 we moved to an isolated property in Australia (which will become a D/s retreat) to further that relationship. I am active in BDSM education and run a popular BDSM For Beginners blog as well as Mistress160's Abode. I also moderate several special interest kinky blogs, groups and forums, present BDSM workshops and was a regular feature writer for Australia's premier alternative journal "Kink-E Magazine" until it ceased production.
She was also interviewed in early 2009 by The Chastity Interviews about her interests in T&D and chastity.
Her blog also features on Keyheld; chastity resources for lovers,an aggregate for blogs in which male chastity and orgasm denial are the main focus. If chastity is of interest you might like to take a look :)
Her husband solipsist's story is told as part of the same series: "Ambiguous Borderlands: the paradox of masochism" Part One andPart Two
Ms160's blog received a great review from Adult Blog Hub. Check it out via this link:
New to BDSM? You are in the right place!
“If I was to direct any novice to a BDSM blog, I’d direct them to Mistress160...
"One seldom finds a blog that offers educational guides for people wanting to explore their kinky side, namely BDSM … Mistress160’s Abode offers education, sensuality, testimonials (from subs) and a wide array of resources suitable for everyone interested in BDSM (from connoisseur to novice).
"On the subject of information, Mistress160 has an array of "BDSM for Beginners" posts that discuss just about everything, from meeting like minded people to accessory selection [you will find a list of titles in the LABELS list below]. The resources that Mistress160 uses are extensive, and kudos to her…" (for complete review see Dark Scribe, 3 March 2007)
"This is a particularly excellent blog for beginners to BDSM. In fact, Ms160 has a phenomenal series created especially for beginners with more information in one place than I’ve ever really seen. Good stuff folks. Give her a look" Carrie AnnA View From the Floor "Blogs I Love"
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Thanks for all you do for the promotion of what I think of as "good kink," and your love of us subbies. It means more than you know" Quietlisten, Jan 2008 (quoted with permission)
"Mistress160 ... runs what is probably the best informational blog about BDSM in the entire region, and has been doing so for quite a while" May may April 2008 Maybe Maimed But Never Harmed
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MS160's EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS:
Ms160 offers real time workshops and retreats, as well as online educational programs open to all kinky orientations. You'll now find everything listed on the new BDSM Education page :)
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BLOG LISTS
I find classifying blogs under specific general categories really irritating, but if I didn't you'd have to wade through an enormous single list. So I've made separate lists ... and you'll have to forgive the stereotypical labeling.
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