Defining vanilla

Readers, let's talk semantics. I'm sincerely interested in how you define the term "vanilla" in a BDSM lifestyle sense. I'm also interested in your thoughts on whether vanillas should attend scene events. This post will tie the two together.

This has got very long with everyone's feedback so I've reformatted it like a BDSM For Beginner series post which gives you a list of the topics we'll be covering and includes a References and Online Resources List for further reading if this is a topic that interests you. We'll be looking at:

• What the term vanilla means in a BDSM context
• What vanilla doesn't mean
  
• Munches, who attends them and why vanillas usually don't
  
• BDSM event screening
  
• Problems when vanillas attend BDSM events - a case study
  
• Conclusions
  

The usual quick housekeeping notes re BDSM For Beginners series posts:

• These posts are usually very long (they are often based on my notes for two hour seminars). They require a pee break in the middle, unless you are a severe masochist, and at least one coffee break. You think I'm joking, don't you ... ha! Okay, cross your legs then ...

• BDSM For Beginners' posts are not so much about my own experience as collating the experiences of other kinksters and checking out some good links for you, to further explore subjects that interest you. If you'd like your experiences and any advice added to this post, drop me a line either in the comments section or via my profile at Fetlife. I usually update every day the first week a post is up and then usually once a month (last update Dec2011).
  

Ready?

WHAT'S THE TERM VANILLA
MEAN IN A BDSM CONTEXT

"The vanilla bean is strong and sticky gooey,
Mmmm sexy. It certainly isn't plain."
chance - comments

Let's look at definitions. Wiki defines the term "vanilla sex" as:

"a description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes this type of sex. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve such elements as BDSM, kink, or fetish activities...

"The term "vanilla" derives from the use of vanilla extract as the basic flavoring for ice cream, and by extension, meaning "plain" or "conventional". In relationships where only one partner enjoys less conventional forms of sexual expression, the partner who does not enjoy such activities is often referred to as the vanilla partner..."

Franklin Veaux's BDSM Glossary defines vanilla as:

"Colloquial Not interested in or involved with BDSM or activities related to BDSM; as, a vanilla person. Usage: Sometimes considered condescending or insulting"

The latter is sometimes true, but I think these days it's a term that's mostly been reclaimed. You also find the term "'nilla" being used affectionately in the scene - see chance's quote above. I have several blogger friends who use "vanilla" in their blog titles. Fet has about 500 kinksters who use vanilla in their name, and about the same number of groups. And also of course "being vanilla" is not just a term used in the scene. Check out the responses in Urban Dictionary - you may be called a vanilla if you prefer:

"an activity or thing in its basic and unmodified state. Refers to vanilla ice cream. Used when expressing a preference for having something the traditional way. For example "I like my burgers vanilla, no mayonnaise or bacon for me please" "

Here are some of the responses from different people on yahoo answers to the question "in BDSM what is vanilla?"

"Vanilla is non-kinky sex. As BDSM by definition is kinky, vanilla BDSM just doesn't exist."

"In BDSM, vanilla is everything that is out of BDSM. Any sort of traditional/normal/non kinky sex that doesn't involve power dynamics is often considered vanilla."

"Vanilla" is sex that doesn't involve anything unusual basically. We usually use the term "vanilla" to describe sex that doesn't involve bdsm or any other fetish or paraphilia. A person can also be called "vanilla" if they aren't into bdsm or fetishism. "Vanilla" is generally synonyms with "plain".

"Vanilla is someone "traditional". Usually not into the whole dom/sub thing. "

"It means you are not into the kinky stuff."

Do you agree with these? Because if you work off those definitions, then here's:

WHAT'S NOT VANILLA

"how does one pass from vanilla to BDSM
if the door is so well guarded?"
dsfetishman - comment below

To me, the most important thing that's not vanilla is ... a new kinkster. They are kinky. No matter that they have never experienced anything kinky or BDSM wise, they possess the desire and hopefully will explore it.

Not everyone agrees with this. Which is as it should be lol. When I was younger I used to talk about crossing from vanilla to kink in sol's and my own journey. It's terminology a lot of us use ... for example, dsfetishman in his comment below:

"how does one pass from vanilla to BDSM if the door is so well guarded? Is reading about and viewing media sufficient schooling for someone to qualify them a entry pass? Isn't there a palpable difference between real and memorex?

"I suppose many struggle with how to pass through the door from one world to another. And it is a boundary not a place and one can't exist on a line... you are on one side or the other... or crossing it"

I wanted to share with him that there's even a term for this rite of passage: emergence. Which Mistress Steel describes as the process of:

"emerging from vanilla into the BDSM lifestyle, something like emerging from a cocoon"

She outlines several phases:

"At the onset many people are uncertain 'where' they might fall in this new world and they may have conflicting fantasies which in essence tell them merely that 'things' in this lifestyle seem to address images, fantasies, thoughts, hopes and dreams which have lingered just below the surface of the individual's life sometimes for many, many years..."

I like Mistress Steel's articles very much but in this case the uncertainties she describes simply reinforce the idea that we are born kinky in a vanilla world.

Vanilla manifests in lots of ways. I have friends that are "scene friendly" but they are definitely vanilla. I have friends that are "BDSM / kink friendly" and even try a bit on slap and tickle in their sex now and then, but they are clear they are still vanilla. And they are right. This blog makes them faint lol. I have friends who live a vanilla lifestyle but dream of BDSM. They desire the dark side. They are kinky ... and we all know at some point their journey will begin, probably by attending a munch.

Unfortunately, amongst other negative elements there are also, as Mistress Steel reports:

"those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that 'edge' of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life"

This means that when one does attend an event some care must be taken.

MUNCHES, WHO ATTENDS THEM
AND WHY VANILLAS USUALLY DON'T

"I was ... very proud of myself that I have
taken the step to reach out and meet so
many like minded people,
right here in my own community"

t - private correspondence

Time for some more definitions. Wiki is fairly clear that BDSM events like munches and play parties are:

" social event[s] in which people practice BDSM and socialize with like-minded people"

They checked that statement with three references:

• Brame G. (2001) Come Hither! A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex, Fusion Press, London, page 63
• Moser C., Demystifying alternative sexual behaviors, in Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause, Volume 4, Issue 2". October 2006. http://www.srmjournal.org/article/PIIS1546250106000260/fulltext/. Retrieved 2008-05-09.
• "Moser C., A Glossary of Terms Used by Sexual Minorities, reproduced from San Francisco Medicine, Volume 71, No. 10". November/December 1998. http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/GESUND/ARCHIV/moser3.htm. Retrieved 2008-05-09.

So they must feel okay about representing the community's views. What about munches? Munches are held at vanilla venues, sure, but they are (as Franklin Veaux's BDSM Glossary defines them):

" informal social gatherings of people interested in BDSM, usually in a public place such as a restaurant or cafe, for the purpose of meeting other like-minded people and socializing. A munch is generally a low-pressure gathering without overt BDSM overtones."

You can read more about munches on my post First contact: searching for "fine folk who understand". The title of that post came from a quote by Serving B, who was writing about their first interactions with other kinksters:

"The couples we have met are really upstanding folk who have hobbies, careers, families, and very interesting lives outside of D/s. We have our share of vanilla friends who we enjoy socializing with as well. But there is something very special sitting down to a meal with people who understand what this is all about. It's reassuring, too. it is really great getting together with such fine folk who understand it"

Absolutely.

So who normally attends munches? Jay Wiseman (the definitive writer on munches, a lot of event organizers send new attendees his article) was once asked what kind of people attend munches:

"People who attend munches can vary widely, however as a group they tend to be highly intelligent, highly imaginative, and highly individualistic. Essentially all attendees have a personal interest in BDSM ...

"Some munches are especially intended for certain types of people such as people of a certain age range or people with an interest in a particular aspect of BDSM play, and these are usually specifically advertised as such. While munches are definitely open to people of all sexual orientations, most have something of a mixed-gender, heterosexual/bisexual tone to them. People who cross-dress and transgendered people also sometimes attend. (If you have an interest in one-gender events, the munch hosts will likely be able to make a referral.)

"Munches are almost always for adults only and persons under 18 should not be brought unless the ground rules of the munch specifically state that they are welcome.

Let's summarize that:

• Essentially all attendees have a personal interest in BDSM

• Munches are almost always for adults only / persons under 18 should not attend
  

Jay wrote his article about munches a while back now but contemporary BDSM writers often echo his views. One example is Holly Pervocracy of Pervocracy who noted in her mid 2011 post "Asymmetrical perceptions":

" I think everyone at BDSM parties should have to identify themselves as a kinkster, as part of the party, not as a spectator"

In "Asymmetrical perceptions" Holly Pervocracy explores the:

"asymmetry [that] plagues almost any sex-positive endeavor that's open to the public. Hold a BDSM demonstration that involves nudity, and some people are going to ogle it like a strip show."

She sees "this asymmetry of perceptions is mainly due to two factors: context and participation." To place her first quote above in context:

"A big cause of asymmetrical perceptions at live events is when people are playing asymmetrical roles. People who put themselves in the role of "audience member" or "customer" at sex-positive activities tend to cause many more problems than people who put themselves in the role of "participant.

"I don't think everyone at BDSM parties has to play. But I think everyone at BDSM parties should have to identify themselves as a kinkster, as part of the party, not as a spectator. In practical terms, I think it would help to require everyone to help in some way to create the event. This could be an entirely token thing--bring one bag of chips, pick up one piece of trash--and it would still help people feel more like community members, less like consumers. And this is a second reason that I think "munch before you party" is so important.

"In a way, this is simply another aspect of providing context--letting people know that by engaging with sex-positive culture, they are now a part of it. Whatever false dichotomy someone had between "perverts like them" and "normal people like me" should be destroyed the instant they start getting enjoyment from the perverts."

Holly Pervocracy raises issues that are very important to BDSM event organizers. She is absolutely right when she points out that:

"people who put themselves in the role of "audience member" or "customer" at sex-positive activities tend to cause many more problems than people who put themselves in the role of "participant".

As a BBSM event organizer I take great care to make sure only "participants" attend my events, which was why it made sense to follow Jay Wiseman's ground rules. Every month members gather from Fet's Northern NSW group and we have a great time. For new attendees it's often the first time they have been in an environment with like minded individuals, where they can discuss all things kinky. I can't tell you how many messages I've received that thank me for providing a space where new kinksters can finally be themselves. They are very precious to me. Here's one:

"I was ... very proud of myself that I have taken the step to reach out and meet so many like minded people, right here in my own community ... It was nice to know that there are REAL people in this world, and some even close to home, that are there to talk with and act as a support to me"

Have (to use Holly Pervocracy's term) "audience members" or non participants attended these events? Now and then, when child minding arrangements have fallen through, yes. But the parent concerned has always contacted me in advance and asked if it's okay for the kids to attend. I then drop other attendees a line.

We now also hold "family munches" where everyone can bring family members, and it's understood that at these munches kinky conversation will be limited. These "family munches" often provide tremendous support and validation for kinksters, especially those who are married to vanilla partners. I've personally observed this ... and so has helza (see in the comment section below):

"I once went to a munch where a married couple were present, one of whom is kinky and the other vanilla. The vanilla partner is supportive of the other's involvement in bdsm, has a great deal of knowledge about bdsm, and came with the spouse to meet friends and share and deepen their understanding of this side of their partner's life. I thought this was wonderful, and cannot see how it could possibly threaten others in the bdsm lifestyle"

I agree.

Helza nails the problem spot on when she continues:

" it seems to me that perhaps there are two scenarios, one where people bring along vanilla friends or family who are well aware of their involvement and interest in bdsm and who are open-minded and accepting of it: and the other where people bring along vanilla friends or family who do not know about their involvement, or have an understanding of bdsm. I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would do that, as it would defeat the whole point of a munch, and I would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending. I would be more than happy, however to meet and be open with vanilla folk who are "kink-friendly"

Exactly. And that often happens. Attendees sometimes bring a new kinkster lover or friend who shares their interests and wants to find out more.

But I should like to make it clear that in three years of holding monthly munches only once has an attendee asked to bring a vanilla partner or friend (their husband) to a non family munch (he never came in the end). It's always been understood as Jay Wiseman states, that the munches are for those with "a personal interest in BDSM". Helza echoes this when she writes above in regard to her second scenario, that bringing vanilla friends or family with no interest or understanding of BDSM:

"would defeat the whole point of a munch"

And that she:

"would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending"

Okay lol so we could go round in circles trying to define terms like "a personal interest in BDSM" and "the whole point of a munch" ... but for me the point being made is further validated via BDSM event screening processes.

BDSM EVENT SCREENING

"The screening process is designed ...
to be sure that guests are safe,
sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks"
Sensuous Sadie

Now and then you find a BDSM event organizer who's very upfront in stating she does not screen her events, and that the safety of attendees at her events is not her responsibility. The other side of that are the BDSM event organizers who screen. Why do we do that? Here's Sensuous Sadie:

"The screening process is designed to weed out people who aren't really interested in or involved in D/s -- we don't want gawkers at gatherings -- and to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks."

Let's just hear a bit more about it. The primary concern of Sadie's BDSM group:

" is that our group have in it only genuine D/s lifestyle people who are safe to have in our community... which actually protects the guest's individual privacy in the long run...

"We like to know who each person is, their phone number, and where they live. We also like to know if people are Dom/sub/or switch, hetro/bi/bi-curious/gay/lesbian/transgendered, single or coupled, and a little about their D/s history -- complete newbies, or the extent of their experience. Talking about such things gives us a chance to get a feel for people; weirdoes or gawkers give themselves away in the course of such conversations"

Let's summarize that as well:

• we screen to weed out people who aren't really interested in or involved in D/s because we don't want gawkers at gatherings

• we screen to be sure that guests are safe, sane, and consensual D/s lifestyle folks

• screening also protects the guest's individual privacy
  

Screening helps control predators, tourists and creeps. Remember Mistress Steel touched on this before when she wrote of:

"those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that 'edge' of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life"

Holly Pervocracy provides excellent descriptions in a comment at the end of her "Getting into BDSM part 2 your first play party" post:

"there are two types of people who are not welcome to just come and watch:

1) Tourists. These are people who show up in street clothes, don't play, don't mention being kinky themselves, don't mingle, and openly gawk or even laugh at scenes. They see themselves as "normal people" here to observe the fascinating local culture of the charming natives.

2) Creeps. These are people who see themselves as kinky, but still see the kink world as there for their convenience. They may be appropriately dressed or not, but they don't socialize except with their preferred "target" demographic and they leer or stare at scenes and at sexily dressed people. They tend to touch or talk to people inappropriately. In general, they act like they're trying to somehow harvest sex and sexiness from the kink world"

Not really people you want to encounter at your first event. This is in part why more and more kinky event organizers are bringing in BDSM screening. As I wrote on the earlier post about munches:

"Jay Wiseman wrote a few years back that:

"Munches are not highly screened. Munches are often publicly advertised and are generally open to all attendees who can observe a few basic rules of social conduct. What this means is that very little can be certain about a person's level of knowledge, experience, or trustworthiness from the mere fact that they are at a munch. While most attendees are fine in this regard, every now and then someone attends that you most definitely do not want to find yourself alone with - particularly if you're tied up!"

"However it is becoming more common to screen munches, as munch groups deal with attendees' concerns about local predators and non kinksters"

Here slaveinchains comments on safety issues in a personal profile thread on Fet:

"Vanilla people who have no understanding of the bdsm scene and no understanding of the protocols really have no place being at events. It can lead to uncomfortable situations for all and in some cases, can be dangerous."

Let's elaborate on that.

PROBLEMS WITH VANILLAS
AT BDSM EVENTS
- A CASE STUDY

"A guy called Earl Wilson once said,
"If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.""
SirTrisk, comments below

While writing this I've come across quite a few kinksters who - while admitting they have never attended a kinky event with vanillas - find it hard to understand how the presence of vanillas at scene events can cause a problem. In this part of the post I'm going to focus on one specific incident to provide an example of the disharmony and backlash that resulted after vanillas attended local events.

SirTrisk and his slave slaveinchains are respected members of the Australian scene. slaveinchains wrote the quote above after several incidents in the Queensland scene where vanillas - definitely not new kinksters - attended events with very negative results. Not only munches but play parties. In fact vanillas attending events is an increasing concern in that scene. I think I've had about five people raise the subject with me. slaveinchains continues :

"Some of the annoying things I have seen happen include:
Strangers going into people's toy bags without consent
Strangers taking and using other people's tools
People walking up to a submissive tied to a cross, during play to talk with them
People walking in the path of a flogger while in full swing.

"The first three are annoying but the last one can actually lead to the person hit by the flogger accusing the person weilding it of assault. It happens because the new people have no idea about expected behaviours or protocols. Often they have no genuine interest in the scene, other than a place to get their jollies.

"More annoying was the time I was at an event and a strange man who had been wandering around all night decided to 'feel me up' simply because he had seen Master doing it. No consent was obtained by this man, from either Master or me and certainly would not have been given.

"Getting more dangerous, was the time a submissive had been involved in breath play at a party then a man who didn't know her wrapped his hands around her throat because, hey, she'd already done it with someone it must be open season."

This complaint may look to you like nothing new, just like the usual rant about bad behavior from new kinksters at play parties. But remember we are talking about events happening at a scene where vanillas are present. That's people without a kinky bone in their body, no awareness of dungeon etiquette, someone's relatives, underage teen, just turned 18 or whatever. Which makes it much worse, as dsfetishman confirms:

"A play party is a whole other level and while people will socialize the purpose is to scene. As such a vanilla person would be a gawker, a journalist... a researcher... but not a part of the community. Depending on their decorum this could be a real problem"

Beyond frustrated, slaveinchains raised the matter in Fet's Australia - Spit the Dummy group where you are allowed to have a rant:

"Taking vanillas to scene events. I've come across this a few times. People taking a vanilla friend or relative to a scene event. It pisses me off quite frankly. I don't care how kink friendly they are. Scene events are for scene people. A person who is new with a genuine interest, no problem. What I don't like is a vanilla person tagging along. Be it a party or munch. These events are for scene people. Either leave your nilla friends at home or don't come."

What slaveinchains has written matches helza's second scenario, that we quoted above:

"where people bring along vanilla friends or family who do not know about their involvement, or have an understanding of bdsm. I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would do that, as it would defeat the whole point of a munch, and I would be peeved myself if someone did this at a munch I was attending"

And it's not exactly an uncommon view in the scene. Unfortunately the responses slaveinchains received would make you think the opposite. I can't quote those responses on that thread because the very nice group moderator sent me this:

PLEASE REMOVE ANY POSTS STOLEN FROM THIS THREAD FROM YOUR BLOG UNLESS YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION OF EVERYONE WHO HAS CONTRIBUTED TO THIS THREAD. WHICH YOU DONT. GROUP OWNER UMM-R

Well, actually GROUP OWNER UMM-R you might need to be careful there. It's fascinating watching your flock on Fet deny and delete and ban and here, comment below. But it won't stop interested readers checking out all their original responses via the link in the References and Online Resources list at the bottom of the post, including the bit where this post gets mentioned :). For now I'll paraphrase rather than directly quote each response, which IS allowed - and has been vetted - by Fet Caretakers. Who I am sure will soon remove the entire thread for what sol is correct in calling "bullying".

Right, where we we? As you can see, slaveinchains did not refer to any specific Australian scene community or event. Despite this a local event organizer decided the post referred to her events specifically and roused her support team.

Pack mentality then took hold. The result was what Ms_Neta and I call Crucifixion by Fet. slaveinchains was repeatedly insulted (please note these responses have been paraphrased and removed from quotations to meet with Fet's TOS: you naughty slave you .... totally intolerant ... a joke and so very naive .... crotchy old complainer ... pack of shit ... If you don't like it, perhaps it's you who should not be going to scene things .... difficulty solved!) as was SirTrisk when he raised one of the actual incidents that happened, which slaveinchains mentioned above:

SirTrisk: Bob, the 'nilla I'd kick out of an event is the one who watches breath-play being done, finds the submissive later and thinks that since they played with someone else it was OK for him to try strangling them.

****: (please note this response have been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS:) @SirTrisk, how did you know they were vanilla? Were they in some kind of /matching outfit? Perhaps a/ cardy? Did the vanilla just come up to the sub and put their hands around their throat?

Not really an incident to joke about, is it?

slaveinchains was then reprimanded like a child when GROUP OWNER UMM-R claimed she edited the original post . A longer thoughtful post on her profile trying to explain the whole issue ("in the interest of clear communications, I offer this") was completely ignored by the pack.

What's extraordinary about the responses - apart from their vitriol and the fuss they are kicking up now about this post - was the level of ignorance about BDSM scene events and who should attend them. Remember how clear helza was when quoted above - you immediately knew and trusted that she understood "the whole point of a munch" when she wrote about attending them. Equally slaveinchains made very clear in her second post (on her profile) that she was talking about vanillas, not new kinksters, attending events:

"When someone is new to the scene, I don't consider them vanilla. Personally, I don't believe they ever were, they simply hadn't discovered this aspect of themselves yet. To me, a vanilla person is someone who never really had an interest in bdsm and never will. They might do a bit of kinky hanky panky, but they don't understand the different headspace involved. They don't get it can be more than a furry pair of handcuffs and a silk scarf. They don't see that roles of Dominant and submissive can extend beyond sex or even the bedroom and they certainly don't understand why you would ever want it to."

Her views fit every definition I've quoted above. And the vanillas who have attended these local events range from non kinky relatives to just over / under 18s, so they absolutely do not meet Jay Wiseman's munch event attendance criteria. Yet here are some of the responses she received on her thread:

(please note these responses have been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)

The OP says which is just silly - "Be it a party or munch. These events are for scene people." I mean, good grief, how do people move from vanilla to scenesters of they are not welcome at munches or events until they are certified as kinky? The mind boggles.

why should behavior change when attending a munch. Maybe tolerance is required? Just because they are attending with a friend, I am sure that they would be aware of the type of function it is Only someone who is BDSM friendly or curious would attend anyway. . Who died and made you judge and the people who sit in the box and say guilty or not

Put your hands up everyone who was NEVER vanilla

This is the biggest pile of poo l've come across in many long distinguished years ...

@OP..... Have you considered the fact that you are the big mistake here not vanillas

: .... some days you just got to wonder what geological formation some of members have crawled out from under .... The level of intolerance and prejudism that I see in the fetish community makes the nilla community look so tempting to live my life within. @OP - what exactly is wrong with some nillas coming along to events with a friend/s?

is a munch a BDSM event? if it is then why is there no bottoms with no clothes on tied down on furniture having fun? a munch is a munch and vanillas are welcome as far as i know.

Well, actually nooo, not in most of the kinky world.

I found it interesting that the munch organizer who claimed it was her munch that the vanillas attended also admitted she was not told that they would be there. That's not good, not knowing who's attending. That's why we have BDSM screening, and that's why munch organizers should keep track of who's at their event.

As I mentioned at the top of this section other posters didn't believe the presence of vanillas could influence a kinky event:

(please note this response has been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)

I’ve never meet a ‘BDSM’ person who has been so upset by the presence of tag along vanillas at a munch , they felt unable to act in their usual way. My experience has been that having a vanilla present results in some BDSM people exaggerating what they do when others are present just to get a response. ... I'd also like to meet the vanilla who could stop any BDSM person doing what comes naturally.

With respect I think these posters remain unaware of the wider agenda within which slaveinchains' post was made, but as an event organizer myself, I can confirm that the presence of under age kids at a munch puts a halt on all BDSM conversation. Especially teens. Believe me, they totally stop kinksters "doing what comes naturally". Everyone sits politely and talks about the weather.

CONCLUSION

"All it takes for evil to flourish...."
SirTrisk - private communication

Endless topic, vanilla, it seems. So what we can learn from all this?

• That there is good reason past and present BDSM event organizers remind us to keep our events only for those within the scene. Other event organizers agree, this matter is really is nothing new - see mischeifsub's comment below:

"I run a group that runs events, workshops and munches and we have a very strict screening process but occasionally a voyeur has gotten past it.... it ends in a not good way. Vanillas as you define it, do make other people uncomfortable at kink events and I "personally" do not wish to talk or play round vanillas for fear of judgement, or comments or..."

• It's important to remember who we are. It's important to remember that our community is vulnerable, that our community is a gift that not all kinksters can share. We need to remember the unwritten ground rules that guard us - the importance of friendships, of education, of safe play and dungeon masters, of avoiding conflict within the scene. How we behave when such issues rise matters. As SirTrisk writes below:

"It matters because if people respond this way to a rant, how are they going to behave at a scene event. And that's the main thing: it matters because this isn't a play, these are real people who really act and think this way."

• We also need to take responsibility for our words. The paraphrased response below was taken from one poster's thread trying to justifying her actions on slaveinchains' thread:

(please note this response has been paraphrased to meet with Fet's TOS. You'll find a link to the original thread in the References and Online Resources List at the bottom of this post)

should we have a duty to counteract / neutralize those who cock up? There was a thread on Fet about taking vanillas to kinky events ... the OP was /intimating this wasn't a good thing, and it could make people feel /ill at ease / uneasy / anxious and that the vanillas might behave in an/ improper / unsuitable -/ inapt / unbecoming / inept way. I made /over five responses. I didn't really want to talk /insultingly to or about / the OP, although i thought it was aan /unhappy mirror image on her opinions/, if she really wanted /kink to be as some sort of /area that protesters are legally prohibited from protesting in.

I don't want to /make clean by removing dirt, filth, or unwanted/ bdsm or even have it be a legitimate recreation. I don't want canes sold in Coles etc etc. However, a lot of the time, when people don't understand something, they tend to /talk insultingly to or about it, or be /frightened by it, and that's how silly /a broad statement about a group of people or things come about.

I think i would always/greet 'nilla people at events, as long as they have been /educated about the basics of /scene manners / courtesy / protocols

I mean, some /slang term for older people in the scene could really do with /an education in /scene manners / courtesy / protocols, right? I mean, how do you tell a /person is vanilla anyway?... I read an article in /a young woman' magazine years ago, that the most common female fantasy was being [please read the original this is beyond me!] Sounds /very warm!

I am /(of writing or speech) being lengthy and confused or inconsequential. The /article, object, item is, when someone does say something /controversial, antagonistic, there's a lot of people who leap in to the fray to have their say, sometimes in a /very very /mean /manner. Is this /productive healthy /dialogue? Any thoughts? Where is the line between vigorous /discussion and just being /frightful, terrible, abominable, unspeakable and /reverse, opposite?"

So sad that after all this she still does not understand the term vanilla. Slaveinchains meanwhile remains more understanding and patient than me:

"It was a general rant on the topic, but I forgot people don't tend to read the words written. People read what they think you were thinking and reply to that. Others will then come along and reply to the reply about what you might have been thinking when you wrote it and so on

"I have nothing against vanilla people, hell my whole family is full of them! ... It's just that when I attend a munch or an event, I don't want to be made to feel like a freak because I am being me, among the people who I would expect to accept it. When I can't be 'amongst my own kind' in an environment I think is safe to be open about who I am, then what is the point of going to any event? What becomes of the scene then?"

I know exactly what slaveinchains means. We tread such a fine line, balancing our personal worlds of BDSM and the vanilla world around us. I respect that vanilla world. I respect that some kinksters want to allow vanillas into their world. And if the local scene here - and their friends on Fet - want to allow vanillas into their events, good luck to them, I sincerely wish them well. No insults from my end to any of them :)

But the events I create are not for "audience members" / non participants / vanillas. They are for kinksters. All types of kinksters, many of whom have not been treated too well by the vanilla world. My events (whether munches or play events or educational workshops) and our home and this blog are a refuge from that world.

dsfetishman muses below that "[these topics] raise the issue of how does one pass ... if the door is so well guarded?". But no event organizer uses BDSM screening to guard against new kinksters. The door opens wide. I will never forget the grateful looks new kinksters give me at their first munch when they realize they are entirely amongst like minds, and can finally relax their guard. Safe from unfriendly eyes.

So I'm staying in line with most other kinky event organizers worldwide. I'll go on using BDSM screening, I'll go on using Jay Wiseman's ground rules as to who should attend munches. So that I can go on providing kinky event environments "safe to be open about who I am".

Somewhere slaveinchains is always welcome.

one of slaveinchains' desserts
which I'm sure has a touch of vanilla
(there is a Fet fetish for slaveinchains cooking lol)

REFERENCES AND ONLINE RESOURCES

GENERAL
Adding a Little BDsM into a Vanilla Relationship
belladomme - Introducing your partner to BDSM
Holly Pervocracy

• Asymmetrical perceptions
• Getting into BDSM part 2 your first play party"

lunaKM - Talking About BDSM to Vanilla Folk: What to Say and What to Avoid
Maître Pierre - BDSM and Vanilla People
Mistress Steel - Emergence
Nala - BDSM and a Vanilla partner
Sensuous Sadie How to Screen Guests for a BDSM Organization
Serving B Socializing
slaveinchains:

• Taking vanillas to scene events
• It's my journal and I'll rant if I want to
• Pass the popcorn the second act is about to begin
  

snugglepot

• If you have nothing nice to say..
  
• M160s rant after an edit or 2 for reference

If you find either of these threads has been removed from Fet please drop me a line for a copy.

Wiki - play parties
Wiki - Vanilla sex


ON MUNCHES AND WHERE TO ATTEND ONE
READ FIRST
Jay Wiseman - A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Munches

THEN:
Mistress160 - First contact (searching for "fine folk that understand)
House of De Sade History of Munches
Mistress Ren and LesVoiles How to start a Munch
Ms Constance What to Expect at a Munch
Stu's Beginners Guide to Munches
A tribe thread about attending a first munch

FINDING A MUNCH NEAR YOU:

Fetlife.com is a great place to start. Join (its free) and then check out the regional groups section. I promise, you'll find something!

Also if you live in Australia, you'll find lots of munches listed:

• Australian Kink Calendar

Thank you:
SirTrisk and slaveinchains
dsfetishman
helza
Sensuous Sadie
Mistress Steel
Jay Wiseman
servingB
Franklin Veaux
Wiki
Holly Pervocracy


special thanks to
snugglepot
for all the behind the scenes help
great work, sweetheart
you're been read by
about 1040 people :)

and the
other posters on the Taking vanillas to scene events thread
I really enjoyed paraphrasing :)

Photo:
Ms160
http://herbalreleaf.com/about-vanilla/49/