Mistress160's Abode: Researching and officiating at a collaring

Mistress160 and solipsist · at 12:02 PM

No this isn't some random soppy photo ...
we live in those mountains!

A male dominant friend is officiating at a real time collaring ceremony soon, and asked what research I might have to hand. Quite a bit, it turns out. I've been quietly collecting and collating material not only for the BDSM For Beginners website, but in terms of future plans to collar sol.

When this friend and I were discussing collarings at a recent munch, I mentioned how much I'd enjoyed attending Rake and Hawkesbury's collaring ("other wedding") in Sydney a couple of years ago now. I posted about it here:

"Rake and Hawkesbury's ceremony was held at their home ... beautiful Hawkesbury crawled naked up the red carpet to Rake ... Moving speeches from mutual friends were made on the nature of D/s commitment. Then Hawksbury unrolled her vows and read them. Rake responded. The collar (a stunning steel one purchased in San Francisco, you can see it in the photo of the invitation) and leash were put on...

"I've kept my description of the ceremony very general because every couple's vows and contract are extremely personal. While checking what I could include in this post, Rake kindly noted that I might share that the vows / contract were:
"written as a series of offers from the submissive: mind, heart, body; thought, dreams, desires; etc; Love & Loyalty. In turn I humbly accepted the offer, with respect to the trust and responsibility she has placed in me; but then I added that I will expect more from her; and that she not retreat when challenged"

It was an amazing night, and such an honor to be there.

Collars and collaring are extremely important for many people in the Lifestyle, but they mean very different things to all those people. In my post about Rake and Hawksbury I quoted the Albany Power Exchange's attempt at a definition:

"A collar in BDSM symbolizes a commitment that has often been compared to a wedding ring ... When the submissive accepts the collar, the submissive surrenders to the Dominant and makes a promise to be devoted and loyal. Some collars are made with no clasp to signify the never ending love of the relationship. Other collars have a ring to attach a leash and a place for an engraved tag or pendant to show ownership. The collar is to be worn in the presence of the Dominant at all times. When apart, all the submissive needs to do is touch it to be reminded of the bond they share. Each collaring is a unique symbol of love, respect and a bond between two people who care greatly for each other"

I then continued:

"Why a collar? Historically slaves were "collared" by those who owned them, and a collar of ownership - the important thing to note here is that we are talking about a consensual collar of ownership - is common in contemporary BDSM. Along with lots of different types of collars. Some kinksters prefer to use a brand, tattoo or permanent piercing to express their commitment. Or a different type of jewelry, such as a bracelet that can pass easier in the vanilla world. In fact, a collar may not have any physical form at all"

Let's look at "real" collars for a moment. Norische notes in her article "Ceremony from the Heart: the Collaring Ceremony"

"There are several different types of collars within the BDSM community, each one with a unique set of requirements, expectations, and rituals. Within the European Council and the Oriental Society there are two basic forms of collars, a slave collar and a training collar. While these traditions are historically noted there are several other forms of collars that have made themselves know in the past decade."

The leather community preferred three stages of collaring, which are still informally followed by some in the Lifestyle. If you'd like to learn more about these, read Mistress Steel's articles about each of those stages below. Some kinksters argue for an overview of traditional collaring practices - see Master Charles' article "A Collar Is More Then A Strip of Leather/Cloth/Chain" below for his suggestion of "Seven Levels of Collaring" that would include "modern collars" such as The Cyber Hybrid Collar and The Cyber Hybrid Realtime Collar.

It's all very interesting stuff. But back to the practicalities of officiating at an actual ceremony, which is what my friend was wanting me to focus on...

And now I understand why, because there's not much out there that looks at how you actually officiate or MC at a collaring! Basically you just have to wade through all the primary (actual descriptions of ceremonies) and secondary (general articles about collarings) sources, and extract what useful information you can.

You may or may not be involved from the start, when you have a chance to help the couple research and create their own ceremony. And that may be a blessing, because they need to sort that out for themselves, these events are so personal. Reading through and watching each link in the References and Online Resources List below I glimpsed an extraordinary range of ceremonies, from the simplest vows in private:

We had no guests there to witness it. It was a private time between he and I... the only two in the union that mattered to us. With his own hands he tooled the collar of soft black leather. On it he placed D rings and a silver plate inscribed with our names. I kneeled and bowed my head so that he could fasten it around my neck. With the closing of the buckle on my collar came the sense that finally I was safe. Today a metal plate carries the inscription "Heart. Body. Mind. Soul." My dream come true... a Master. Mine.

to an elaborate Second Life online ceremony documented on You Tube. While a lot of this (like vanilla weddings) is personal taste, you can also spot trends - for example, components of The Ceremony of Roses (first posted online by jade from Castle Realm in the late 90s, and presented as an "ancient ritual") have become quite common. Here's one couple, from From Beneath The Rose:

"My partner and I have begun talking about a formal collaring ritual. We want to take our time and plan it carefully ... The "Ceremony of the Rose" as it's called is sometimes used to renew a relationship that has gone through a difficult time and survived the test ... I thought this was the most romantic and touching ritual I'd ever heard about. J and I will take time over the winter to explore how we might personalize it. We are talking about writing our own vows as well. While the actual ritual will be private, we are thinking about having a get together with friends afterwards to celebrate the collaring"

There are lots of links in the list below about this ceremony as well as lots of personal adaptations, if your couple decide they want to use it.

Unless you are a vanilla celebrant, you probably won't be asked to officiate at a combined wedding / collaring because of legalities. But what if you are asked to advise your couple on such a combination?

Some couples keep their (vanilla) wedding and (BDSM) collaring apart. Others have tried to combine, some more successfully than others. And while I think it's wonderful that people are personalizing their ceremonies to reflect their cultures, ethnic background and religions, I do think sometimes those ceremonies get over processed. With sincere respect to the future bride who wrote this, I wonder about this post:

"March 30th, 2010: My Master and i are planning our wedding. W/we want to include jewish elements and wiccan elements and it will be a collaring ceremony instead of a ring exchange. Any suggestions or ideas? I am actually looking for a vanilla or non BDSM point of view on this question"

It's not the "jewish and wiccan elements" that concerns me here. It's that sentence "I am actually looking for a vanilla or non BDSM point of view on this question". I would hope that this woman is simply trying to combine her wedding and collaring ceremonies into one ... but taking BDSM out of a collaring? What on earth would be left?

I think the main things I'd recommend about organizing a collaring ceremony are:

keep it simple

keep it separate

When I was writing the post about Rake and Hawksbury, Rake told me that they had written the contract / vows the night before, and had already privately read them to each other. They had found this a very moving moment, Rake later writing to me:

"Making the public reading almost secondary to us. For us the vows are the key to our D/S relationship, and the collar is merely a symbol of the dedication we have to each other"

We know exactly what he means. Sol and I experienced this at our vanilla weddings. We ended up having two, one with friends (the party) and one with only the officials there to hear our vows. Although at the time (organizing) this was a right pain, in retrospect it seemed the perfect way to do it.

So, want a great collaring ceremony? Get reading LOL! As to officiating on the day? Here's some useful reading just to start ... oh and if your couple want a Gorean ceremony, remind them about the brand ....

*evil grin*

COLLARS AND COLLARING CEREMONIES
- REFERENCES AND ONLINE RESOURCES

GENERAL ARTICLES AND LINKS ON
COLLARS AND COLLARING CEREMONIES