"TammyJo's stories
can melt you like a kiss,
bind you like a collar,
and cut you like a whip."
Cecilia Tan
can melt you like a kiss,
bind you like a collar,
and cut you like a whip."
Cecilia Tan
WHAT ARE WE REVIEWING TODAY?
TammyJo Eckhart and Fox
At Her Feet: Powering Your FemDom Relationship
Greenery Press
At Her Feet: Powering Your FemDom Relationship
Greenery Press
The editorial review reads:
Look beyond the fantasies of whip-cracking dominatrixes and cowering slaveboys, and you'll find real women and men in caring, consensual female-dominant relationships. Yet, given that social norms grant the majority of power to men, how do these relationships work? TammyJo and Fox have been building their female-dominant relationship for many years, and have gathered their most important discoveries and theories into this important manual. You'll learn:
- how to take your roles beyond the bedroom
- the role of rituals, contracts and protocols in day-to-day femdom life
- how to achieve training and growth that complement the nature of the relationship
- how each individual can get his or her needs met within the context of a consensual disparity in power
- how to integrate fetish desires into the relationship - how to cope with the realities of life (illness, work, family) without losing touch with the relationship ...
and much more.
"S/M is easy to teach, but the delicate balance of D/S is difficult -- especially when complicated by the unusual power dynamics of female dominance. A common-sense and inspiring look at how femdom works for real people in the real world."
Lady Green, author, The Sexually Dominant Woman
WHO WROTE IT?
Here's the authors' blurb:
TammyJo Eckhart, Ph.D., is an ancient historian by training, a teacher by personality, a dominant by nature, and a published fiction author by fate. She has over 20 years of committed experience in BDSM. She and Fox have been together since 1999.As TammyJo Eckhart notes on the Good Reads site:
Fox graduated with a BS degree in physics with minors in both mathematics and psychology. He began investigating BDSM as a young adult in an effort to understand certain personal drives and fantasies that seemed to differ from those of his peers. His exploration led him through enough useful information and baseless crap to tell the difference fairly readily.
"It is my first non-fiction book though and my first co-authored book. I'd love to see what others who have read it think."The book hasn't been out that long, so in doing my research for this review post I was not able to reference many other reviews (ie: other opinions than mine) to quote you. Hopefully that will change soon and I can incorporate more of them into this review.
At the time I wrote this there was only one review on Amazon.com. At first I thought that it was a great start that the reviewer Reading4Pleasure gives the book five stars (title of review "An Excellent Read" ). I then discovered this reviewer has only reviewed three books, they are all TammyJo Eckhart and they have all been given five stars.
Which made me blink a bit. Okay. Well, we all have fans ... and to be honest a lot of this author's books DO receive five star reviews. She's a popular writer, and I don't just say that because I share her kinky and D/s interests. That just makes her even better :) I remember Dianna Vesta writing in a review of TammyJo Eckhart's "Servants of Destiny" (Fem Fist Books) in 2007:
"For many years I have followed the works of Tammy Jo. In forums over the years I always wanted to read her post because not only is she an articulate writer but a very real down to earth person that is passionate about BDSM.Exactly. I also remember finding many other points in common with her, including academia and our teaching interests. She also shares sol's and my preference for avoiding larger play parties, as well as our reasons for actually attending them!:
"The first fiction I read of Tammy Jo's was "Justice". I am an experienced lifestyle Mistress for many years and I've had many real time experiences. Tammy Jo's book excited me and when you read her fiction you know that she's pulling her creativity from a real space, not just in her imagination. When she is describing a whipping scene in her books its coming from her "knowing" exactly what it feel likes..."
"I'm not a party person. Nothing against parties or those who go or those who put a lot of hard work into having them but I'm just not that type of people. Because what I do is so internal or so edgy, it doesn't work well in crowded and loud and often rather dark environments.I also agreed with the point she made at the end of that interview, indeed it's the reason the blog you are reading now was created:
"Yet I actually encourage folks to get a variety of partners especially when they are starting out in the scene. I think it helps you learn and it helps you figure out if any particular relationship is good for you because you more experiences to base your choices on.
"I have gone to parties, though I'm more likely to attend "educational" events in dungeons than the average play party. I've been a DM and I've even hosted. I find it very stressful to be with so many people. Maybe I'm too concerned about not being a stereotype or looking silly. I do like to watch however, and I'm far more likely to be at a party or dungeon ... and just watch (interview with SensuousSadie)"
"I just want to encourage everyone to buy books, journals, and magazines that are created by and for BDSM practitioners. There is too much incorrect, poorly done, and frankly sometimes dangerous information on the web today.Although (primarily due to limited finances) I'd not had a chance to read her books I'd enjoyed visiting her website, reading her 2007 essay Assessing The BDSM Lifestyle, and listening to both authors on a recent The Female Voice podcast. All of which meant that I was really interested in what she (and Fox) had to say in "At Your Feet".
"We need to invest more time and money in those who are willing to teach and share themselves through their writing, publishing, and organizational work. Our lives are busy and it can be very hard to give and give with little in return so please respect copyrights, invest in the organizations and publications that are there for you, and give positive feedback not just negative feedback when you can"
WHAT'S IN IT?
The first thing I usually do is copy the contents page for you, which I can usually do from the Amazon.com page. But this time the page has a little tag that reads "Publisher: learn how customers can search inside this book!", so Greenery Press must have an editorial ban on sharing more of the book that it's cover.However in the case of a review I think it's important to set out in part at least, what's covered, because you need to know you are actually getting the textual material that was promised.
A detailed introductory essay (it's awful title "Welcome to Life Like You Can't Imagine it" doesn't do justice to the good info it contains) is followed by a six page chapter from TammyJo Eckhart ("Creation of a Femdom") and a six page chapter from Fox ("Creation of a malesub"). We then get their coming together story in "How Two Became More".
Having set the background and given each author a distinctive voice, we then start with the descriptive chapters:
- Making M/s work Every Day
- Some Recommended Components
- Foundations of Owner / slave Dynamics
- Daily Realities: Adjusting and Maintaining the Dynamic
- Paradoxes of Owner / slave Dynamics
These chapters make up most of the book, which then concludes with "Concise Advice" pages from each of the authors, reflecting their dominant and submissive roles, and a final appendix with sample contracts used by TammyJo Eckhart .
IS IT FOR BEGINNERS?
Yes, although primarily for beginners who know they desire a femdom relationship. It's also for those with more experience in Femdom relationships. I certainly wish I'd had something like this to read when sol and I were starting out. The authors are absolutely correct when they say:
"A femdom and malesub relationship that goes beyond sex, beyond playtime, and into the everyday for years and years requires courage from both parties (p.2)"I'm all for supporting books that make you think about the Lifestyle, and as the authors make clear:
"we're going to challenge several of the most common ideas about BDSM, because sometimes belief in these concepts is a hurdle to creating an M/s dynamic and can damage your ability to maintain M/s for a continuous period (p.2)"I also love this quote from TammyJo Eckhart talking about the book on The Female Voice podcast:
"it's not wanking material in the book ... more like awakening ... it opens up their minds a little bit"
SO.... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
If I'd been new to all things femdom, it would certainly have "opened my mind". As someone with a 20 year D/s relationship still in progress, it less "opened my mind a little bit" than sorted through the knowledge and skills in that mind and put everything into order. The end result is that I have a better understanding of my own needs and desires, of why we do what we do.
I also have a better understanding of sol's point of view. And that's an important point in the book's favor because it validates what both authors were trying to achieve. In writing from each of their points of view, as well as in other sections of the book from a combined viewpoint, the authors were taking a risk trying to create a practical publication of use to both dominants and submissives. I think it works.
As the Reading4Pleasure review glowingly states:
"There are many topics expertly covered both wittily and concisely that should lead the reader to feel both reassured and hopeful of either finding or maintaining a well-balanced and healthy relationship in a less than usual context of a 24/7 femdom lifestyle. Issues covered include roles beyond the bedroom, rituals, contracts and protocols in day-to-day femdom life, acknowledging the necessity for training and growth to meet individual needs and integrate fetish desires into a relationship, plus coping with friends, family, work colleagues and illness in a 24/7 relationship.What jarred a bit with the Reading4pleasure review was that it didn't at all mention the fact that some of these topics are trickier subjects not mentioned in many of the well written but older BDSM tomes - for example, the "Economic Realities" section, and the sections dealing with health (both illness and injury, and mental health issues).
The review also ignores the book's most controversial component: it's critical analysis of the role of "power exchange" in M/s and D/s relationships:
"This entire book is designed to reveal the truth about that expression and show why it fails to help you create a happy full time femdom relationship. We are going to look at how we each become empowered as individuals and how our mistress- slave dynamic continues to empower us as unique people, as a couple, as part of a poly family, and as members of the BDSM community at large.Even if you don't buy into this argument you can still enjoy the ride, in terms of the entire book. I enjoyed rewiring my BDSM beliefs during that ride. The book truly challenged me to think about concepts I'd accepted in the past.
Why? Power is what gives you the ability to do anything. Without it, you can achieve nothing, so you can't lose it if you want to make a relationship work. To make your relationship thrive you must exercise, direct and enhance your power. What is often seen as the slave giving the mistress power is actually the recognition of her authority to direct that power - the slave must be the one to exercise the power itself, since there is very little she could do to force him to act. Slaves forced into action are unlikely to do their best or be their quickest because their hearts and minds are not in it. Every owner we've met wants the best and most efficient service possible, so needing to force the slave everyday and night undermines the owner's goal (and leads to burnout).
"Neither of us has lost or lent out our individual power. By working together towards the mutual goal of a healthy and successful M/s relationship, we help each other improve as people and as a couple, enhancing and increasing our power and therefore directing a higher quality of power towards the dynamic itself...
"This may sound like a radical idea, particularly when it's common place to call BDSM a "power exchange". Well, it is radical ... and we'll be returning to it over and over in this book...
"If you think, if you hope, that a 24/7 femdom relationship where the woman consensually owns the other is right for you, keep reading... (page 4, from the "Welcome to Life Like You Can't Imagine it" introduction)"
A few other "myths" are explored and exploded through the book, such as "Getting Past The Search For "The One"" and "The Role of "Love", "The Meaning of Consensual Slavery" etc. There's lots of good stuff in these various sections to sink your teeth into. I particularly enjoyed the application of Greek terminology in the "The Role of "Love"" section:
"Whether or not you must be in love with your owner or whether you can risk loving your slave is a topic we've seen debated online and discussed offline numerous times ... the fact that these debates keep happening however indicates a deep concern about the role of "love" in BDSM ....
"There are three basic problems that fuel these debates .... the second problem is that in many languages there is a dearth of words to describe "love", which is a very complex human feeling. Many mental health care profesionals and pop psychologists turn to Greek to find words to describe different types of love that human beings are capable of, so we'll use those definitions too ....
"we'll work the definitions of these terms into the discussion of each type's benefits for a owner-slave dynamic ....."
"Three of these [agape - feeling of contentment and respect, eros - passionate feeling / desire and philia - a feeling of commonality and mutual interests] you have likely encountered before, but the other two [stroge - affection you feel towards someone because of the relationship, and thelema - the desire or will to do something] also offer interesting insights to love, relationships and BDSM..."It's well worth reading where they go with this.
With each of the book's various subsections, the authors lay out their argument, discuss it and then often provide personal examples from their own relationship as to how it applies in real D/s life. As one example, take their section on "where to draw the line between hurt and harm":
"with physical sensation it is a case of finding a good mentor or teacher and learning proper techniques couples with paying attention to your bottom's reactions. For emotional harm you need to take the time to get to know your partner, learn about his background and listen to his voice as well as watch his body language when you discuss things like emotional abuse..And that example is always relevant and useful. The word I kept thinking to myself when reading the book was how contemporary it was. The "examples from our life" were exactly the kind of problems sol and I face / faced every day, and the suggested ways to solve the problems were equally as up to date and useful.
"Here's an example from our life ... "
And to make use of that word contemporary again, I also hadn't realized until I read this book just how deprived I was of well written books about contemporary femdom relationships. When I was writing our House Rules a few weeks back now I said to sol that at times I felt like I was reinventing the wheel, the time and research it was taking. But (as when creating our personal protocols) I quickly discovered that when you study protocols from other sources (for example, the Old Guard or "Story of O") you often have to do a fuck load of modifying before they make sense in a femdom environment. For example, that popular gaze restriction protocol for subs, you know ... where they are taught not to look their Masters in the eyes but keep their gaze at chest level? Yeah, right. Try imposing that protocol verbally in a room of male subs and female dominants and you'll have hysteria on your hands.
Almost everything has to be modified. To pick up a book that says exactly that is both comforting and reassuring. To pick up a book that lists contemporary femdom D/s concerns and then provides practical sensible suggestions to redress them is even better. For confirmation that you are on the right D/s track, and for setting you back on the right track, if you've drifted a fraction, this book is pure gold.
I'd like to have ended this review there. But I have one .... question really, rather than criticism: why didn't the authors put their photos on the book cover?
It doesn't seem to be a Greenery Press publishing decision, because some authors do have author photos on their publishing details page (a couple of random examples: Rebecca Wilcox and Jay Wiseman). And I hear what TammyJo Eckhart says in the book re her being out but Fox not being quite so out. On the other hand, they do appear together in a photo on Fet. And that photo has been up over a year.
That photo is not only a professional studio photo, it's a really good photo of them both, which beautifully captures their relationship. Now in some cases in the Lifestyle, photos are not relevant, and indeed can do reinforce stereotypes (which is why I agreed with Remittance girl regarding not using photographs in The Portraits of Kink project). But.
This book is all about empowering women in the most positive of ways, and it is also a book defined by the relationship experience between the two authors. By the time I finished reading about them, I wanted to know what this couple looked like. The absence of author photos on the back cover, which in turn highlights the inclusion of the two nicely posed but obviously models on the cover, has become for me a (very) small niggle that detracts from what I would have preferred to be a perfect five star review.
But that's just me, being pedantic. Want to see a terrific photo of them? Head to Fet :)
IS THE BOOK USEFUL
FOR YOU AND SOL?
FOR YOU AND SOL?
Yes. Very.
Sol read it first, because I was up to my teeth writing the House Protocols for the Femdom tea party in late May. He had been concerned about an aspect of his behavior at that tea party. This book put the whole issue of rituals and protocols - as well as lots of other D/s issues - very simply and clearly. Reading it led to his writing me a very important email while in transit to the US, regarding how we might deepen our D/s bond.
I read the book while sol was in the US. Four times in the last week I've taken it back down off the shelves to recheck a section that I'm still thinking about. That's very rare for me, for a book's discussions and arguments to keep calling me back like that. So I value that it's really making me think. I also value that I now have a better understanding of things sol and I do that are needful to us. It's nice to have those needs finally placed in context.
IS IT WORTH BUYING?
Yes. This one is definitely worth buying. You want all that excellent advice somewhere on your shelves where you can access it.
I had to laugh, though. There is a great section in the "Daily Realities: adjusting and maintaining the dynamic" chapter that explores "Economic realities". This in part was why I wanted to read it, because no one else has discussed this kind of thing. Anyway, as part of that discussion the authors note that for many of us buying "toys a few times a year or a signed copy of a book from a visiting author" is the most some of us can do financially. As a single income eco kinkster household, this was one of two books we've purchased recently so we know what they mean!
Having said that, I'd confirm we consider it money well spent. I was not surprised to hear the book was a finalist for this year's NLA: I's Geoff Mains Non-fiction Book Award. Let's hope more thought provoking publications on contemporary femdom relationships of this quality are published soon.
REFERENCES AND ONLINE RESOURCES:
TammyJo Eckhart:
- TammyJo Eckhart website
- Assessing The BDSM Lifestyle
- The Female Voice podcast
- Interview with Sensuous Sadie 2002
- On Fetlife, TammyJo Eckhart is here
- On Fetlife, Fox is here
TammyJo Eckhart and Fox, At Her Feet: Powering Your FemDom Relationship
- Greenery Press
- Where can you buy the book? Amazon. Book Depository UK (free shipping worldwide).
(re the book's nomination for Geoff Mains Non-fiction Book Award)
BDSM community organization that sponsors and administrates the annual writing awards for non-fiction book, novel, short story, article, and anthology.
cover:
From Amazon.com
From Amazon.com
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