View from Mt Tamborine,Several of my favorite kinky bloggers were discussing meetings with other kinksters in their posts this week.
Some were writing specifically about attending munches ... and not everyone had a good time. Here's morningstar (and I've quoted quite a lot of her post because she's raised an important issue here):
We promote munches to new kinksters as a great way to enter the scene, as a great first event. And your first event - that first contact with like minds- is extremely important. It impacts on how you view your local scene, so a bad first experience like this young chap's may not have been the most positive beginning. I'm not surprised that "he told [morningstar] that he had given it an hour and if things hadn't improved he was gonna slip out and (in my opinion) brand the lifestyle folks as snobbish and unwelcoming". Thank God morningstar and Sir Warren - another couple of attendees who appear to have been ignored by the actual organizers! - were there to transform that event into a better experience for him.
Attending that first event takes enormous courage. I remember Ms160sSecretPet writing about attending one of my munches a few years back, which was her first event:
I tend to keep numbers small at my own events, something I mentioned in my response to morningstar, but for some people even ten other attendees is too much. Which brings us to another way of meeting other kinksters - one on one, or at most two couples meeting.
Recently two D/s blogs that sol and I enjoy - Serving B (which began in January last year) and Her Majestys Plaything (which has been online since October 2008) - posted about meeting up with another. You'll find the two posts I'm talking about here and here.
There's something very special about those posts, and about the connections being made. As HMP said in a comment on SB's post:
Last Sunday was not only Fetlife's Northern NSW group munch day, it was High Tea Day. Which made for an extremely decadent day spent amongst kinky friends.
Every now and then I organize a high tea with dominant / BDSM friends at a very popular tea shop in Mount Tamborine. I had been wanting some one on one time with tntnikki and her girlfriend tom-kitten from the South East Queensland scene, and we'd arranged to meet there last Sunday. Long term readers of my blog might recall tntnikki first appeared a couple of years back, when I posted about a Brisbane party where I was DMing, where Nik conducted a blood cupping scene. I always enjoy watching her play.
The last member of the high tea party was a young Domme I'm mentoring at the moment, DommeInBlack. This post is her first appearance in this blog :)
Formal high tea rooms are such strange vanilla environments. But the tea, the food etc was all divine. I didn't take the camera this time, but here's a photo from one time I did:
We had a good time ... although I think our conversation might have burned the ears of the table next door *grin*.
Afterwards we headed down to a nearby park to meet up with Fetlife Northern NSW group members for a munch. When I'd organized the munch we had possibly three dogs coming, so I'd chosen a park with a large, enclosed off leash area which included a picnic table. We claimed this and let the Xmas Present off her lead for a few hours.
The weather was totally bizarre, up on top of our mountain. It was windy and chilly and almost rainy one minute, sunny and sunburn weather the next. Some of us had picnic baskets that we never unpacked, because we thought any second we'd be racing for our cars. So we sat around in camping chairs and around my father's old picnic blanket (which the XP claimed) and every now and then some wildlife would perch nearby or fly by.
Over the next few hours there was much laughter. Scene issues were discussed - issues like duty of care - so there was a serious side. But that group always laughs a lot. I found myself wanting to reach across the planet and deposit morningstar and warren, and t and the other Herons, within our midst.
So what's different? Why does this munch group "work" in ways that others (I'm thinking of my overseas friends here) haven't? I don't think I'm doing anything special, I think I've just been lucky to find a nice group of people, who knows?
Perhaps it's because we keep the number of munch attendees low, with no more than four new attendees each month. While the Fetlife group is now over 200 members, I guess the active core of group munch attendees remains around about forty. Some we see once a year. Some twice a year. Some meet me for coffee but don't attend the munch. Some are there at the munch every month. But whatever the mix that comes together each month, the group always has a relaxed, good feel to it.
Perhaps it's because we screen. Jay Wiseman wrote a few years back that:
The best person to read about BDSM screening is Sensuous Sadie, and we provide a link to her article to everyone who wants to attend our events. She begins:
We try to counter any confusion caused by the screening system by offering an in group welcomer / greeter program. While this has now been picked up by several Fetlife regional groups, I can't take credit - I swiped it entirely from the greeters program of the Uncommon Bonds website after spending some time with group members in Christchurch, New Zealand. This has been working well, encouraging new members to actually take that final last step and attend an event.
We often have several new people wanting to attend each month. As I wrote to morningstar, we always "allow for the fact that at least half the first timers won't show ... but will next month". And it does often work like that ... that there is often this need to retreat briefly again before the final plunge.
With this latest munch we were expecting four new people. Two were no shows. Of the two new people who DID come, one had scene experience and was using the munch as a first step back into the scene after several years away, so in a way their case was different (but very common. A lot of people do take a break from the scene, but that's a story for another post). The other canceled last month and finally made it this time :). I hope that person won't mind my quoting a little of the private correspondence they sent me later:
Finally.. :)
REFERENCES + ONLINE RESOURCES:
BLOG FRIENDS I'VE QUOTED:
Her Majesty's Plaything Kinky Brunch with B and SB
Morningstar - Munches
Serving B Socializing
NEVER ATTENDED A MUNCH BUT WANT TO?
READ FIRST:
Jay Wiseman's A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Munches
THEN:
House of De Sade History of Munches
Mistress Ren and LesVoiles How to start a Munch
Ms Constance What to Expect at a Munch
Sensuous Sadie How to Screen Guests for a BDSM Organization
Stu's Beginners Guide to Munches
FINDING A MUNCH NEAR YOU:
Fetlife.com is a great place to start. Join (its free) and then check out the regional groups section. I promise, you'll find something!
If you live in southern Qld / northern NSW:
Some were writing specifically about attending munches ... and not everyone had a good time. Here's morningstar (and I've quoted quite a lot of her post because she's raised an important issue here):
"Warren and I planned to go to a munch last evening ... for those of you unclear on the term munch - it is a get together of like minded people. So in this case an event was listed on Fetlife announcing the time and place, and anyone interested can attend.
"As the munches today seem to involve drinking and no food....... Warren and I ... had a delightful dinner ... then off to the munch. It was listed as starting at 7 - we arrived at 7:15 (a tad early but still) and the organisers weren't even there!
"The evening for the most part went downhill from there. At one point I honestly felt I was back in high school with the "in crowd" and the clicks. I was mingling ... and noticed a young chap standing by himself at the bar just staring off into space.
"I went over a started a conversation with him ... Warren soon joined me ... and the three us enjoyed an hour's long conversation about the lifestyle .. and life in general. It turns out he was really new to the lifestyle - only joining Fetlife a week ago. He told us that he had given it an hour and if things hadn't improved he was gonna slip out and (in my opinion) brand the lifestyle folks as snobbish and unwelcoming.
"It made me question why hold a munch if you aren't going to play host and at least make sure folks are introduced to one or two other folks. Why was it this young chap managed to get in... be there for close to an hour and didn't even know who the host was??!!! Honestly I find that shameful"So do I. So much for munches being a welcoming environment to get to know like minded people. From the responses morningstar received it appeared lousy munch experiences are common. t from The Heron Clan responded:
"Every couple of years we venture out to a "Munch". Around here, they are usually in a restaurant so we DO get to feed ourselves and then we spend the time eating and bashing ourselves over the head. Why in the hell do we do this? We are disappointed EVERY time. Usually it is a "clicky" sort of event with very few people engaging the new people. And not that we would want to be engaged, btw. I label most of the "munchers" as "Critters". A Critter is someone who I just do not have a thing in common with and who has difficulty having a conversation with anyone but a fellow Critter. Then we swear we will NOT do that ever again...and a couple of years go by....you see where I am heading."By now I was seriously grinning. "Critters" is such a great description. I also understood the final point t made:
"I think of Munches as gatherings. And when I have a gathering in my home, and invite like-minded people, I feel it is my place to make all feel welcome. That is never the way these things go and I have no idea why I subject myself to them occasionally ... but I do"Luckily viemoira was at least able to provide one positive response:
"I'm so glad the munches we attend are not like that. We are lucky to have a great local group..."Yay! But seriously, think about all this for a moment.
We promote munches to new kinksters as a great way to enter the scene, as a great first event. And your first event - that first contact with like minds- is extremely important. It impacts on how you view your local scene, so a bad first experience like this young chap's may not have been the most positive beginning. I'm not surprised that "he told [morningstar] that he had given it an hour and if things hadn't improved he was gonna slip out and (in my opinion) brand the lifestyle folks as snobbish and unwelcoming". Thank God morningstar and Sir Warren - another couple of attendees who appear to have been ignored by the actual organizers! - were there to transform that event into a better experience for him.
Attending that first event takes enormous courage. I remember Ms160sSecretPet writing about attending one of my munches a few years back, which was her first event:
"As I stared at the screen, reading the email over and over I realised that this was my chance to actually take the step, to attend a safe, no pressure, real life "kink" event. So, I replied to the invitation saying "Ok, I will be there".
"Having spent the past four years hiding behind the security of my computer screen, seeing the email invitation in my inbox was daunting. I looked at the invitation from Mistress 160 to join a local "kink" community group at a real life get together on the following day. I had received invitations to events in the past, but always had a reason not to go. I kept reading "just a lunch . . . a get together . . . Vanilla environment . . . casual clothes . . . .
"Driving to the destination my nerves increased. I think I stopped breathing when I first entered town and headed in the direction of the cafe we were meeting at. "What am I doing? What is this munch going to involve? What if I dont fit in? What? Why? OMG!" . . . . All these thoughts were running through my head
"I pulled up at the location - crossed the road - and walked through the cafe to the area at which we were meeting. I must admit although I wasnt sure what to expect, I dont really think I was expecting to see "normal" people. Please excuse my ignorance, but I have been fighting my own demons regarding my kinks for the past 4 years (that is when I first acknowledged them) and really thought I may have been the only one in real life, who had such thoughts/desires"Rereading that email reminded me of the courage it took my friend to attend. But I wonder whether Ms160sSecretPet's experience would have been as positive if she'd attended a really large event in a pub. I don't know the numbers of attendees at the munch morningstar describes, but I do remember my friend tntnikki talking about the first munch she held in Soho, London - she expected about a dozen people and ended up with over seventy!
I tend to keep numbers small at my own events, something I mentioned in my response to morningstar, but for some people even ten other attendees is too much. Which brings us to another way of meeting other kinksters - one on one, or at most two couples meeting.
Recently two D/s blogs that sol and I enjoy - Serving B (which began in January last year) and Her Majestys Plaything (which has been online since October 2008) - posted about meeting up with another. You'll find the two posts I'm talking about here and here.
There's something very special about those posts, and about the connections being made. As HMP said in a comment on SB's post:
"Her Majesty ... is extremely reserved when it comes to talking about our private lives. As you know she rarely participates in blogging and has never agreed to come out with me to meet any kinky folk before yesterday's brunch with you and B. It was a first for us; a milestone. We had never gone out in the scene before as a couple. It meant a lot to me to include my wife in the social aspect of all this. I had gone alone to a few scene functions before (with Her Majesty's permission) but it's not the same"The points being made here about first contacts are very important. HMP continues:
"First impressions are very important and a bad introduction to the scene for my already reluctant wife would have been disastrous! You and B were the perfect people for Her Majesty to meet! She was instantly at ease with you both and we had such a wonderful time. Thanks so much for giving us the opportunity. We are looking forward to seeing you both again! :-)"I was thinking about the various ways kinksters make that first contact as sol and I drove to Mt Tamborine last weekend. Here's a map of South East Queensland for you foreign folk out there:
Last Sunday was not only Fetlife's Northern NSW group munch day, it was High Tea Day. Which made for an extremely decadent day spent amongst kinky friends.
Every now and then I organize a high tea with dominant / BDSM friends at a very popular tea shop in Mount Tamborine. I had been wanting some one on one time with tntnikki and her girlfriend tom-kitten from the South East Queensland scene, and we'd arranged to meet there last Sunday. Long term readers of my blog might recall tntnikki first appeared a couple of years back, when I posted about a Brisbane party where I was DMing, where Nik conducted a blood cupping scene. I always enjoy watching her play.
The last member of the high tea party was a young Domme I'm mentoring at the moment, DommeInBlack. This post is her first appearance in this blog :)
Formal high tea rooms are such strange vanilla environments. But the tea, the food etc was all divine. I didn't take the camera this time, but here's a photo from one time I did:
We had a good time ... although I think our conversation might have burned the ears of the table next door *grin*.
Afterwards we headed down to a nearby park to meet up with Fetlife Northern NSW group members for a munch. When I'd organized the munch we had possibly three dogs coming, so I'd chosen a park with a large, enclosed off leash area which included a picnic table. We claimed this and let the Xmas Present off her lead for a few hours.
The weather was totally bizarre, up on top of our mountain. It was windy and chilly and almost rainy one minute, sunny and sunburn weather the next. Some of us had picnic baskets that we never unpacked, because we thought any second we'd be racing for our cars. So we sat around in camping chairs and around my father's old picnic blanket (which the XP claimed) and every now and then some wildlife would perch nearby or fly by.
Over the next few hours there was much laughter. Scene issues were discussed - issues like duty of care - so there was a serious side. But that group always laughs a lot. I found myself wanting to reach across the planet and deposit morningstar and warren, and t and the other Herons, within our midst.
So what's different? Why does this munch group "work" in ways that others (I'm thinking of my overseas friends here) haven't? I don't think I'm doing anything special, I think I've just been lucky to find a nice group of people, who knows?
Perhaps it's because we keep the number of munch attendees low, with no more than four new attendees each month. While the Fetlife group is now over 200 members, I guess the active core of group munch attendees remains around about forty. Some we see once a year. Some twice a year. Some meet me for coffee but don't attend the munch. Some are there at the munch every month. But whatever the mix that comes together each month, the group always has a relaxed, good feel to it.
Perhaps it's because we screen. Jay Wiseman wrote a few years back that:
"Munches are not highly screened. Munches are often publicly advertised and are generally open to all attendees who can observe a few basic rules of social conduct. What this means is that very little can be certain about a person's level of knowledge, experience, or trustworthiness from the mere fact that they are at a munch. While most attendees are fine in this regard, every now and then someone attends that you most definitely do not want to find yourself alone with - particularly if you're tied up!"However it is becoming more common to screen munches, as munch groups deal with attendees' concerns about local predators and non kinksters. We brought in BDSM screening a couple of years back for exactly this reason. I've had other BDSM event organizers who screen tell me that the few people who make a fuss about their screening process are exactly the people they want to keep out, and I have to agree I've found the same.
The best person to read about BDSM screening is Sensuous Sadie, and we provide a link to her article to everyone who wants to attend our events. She begins:
"Unlike our image of being perverted sickos, most everyone I've met in the BDSM scene has been pretty darn nice. Most of us are normal people, with everyday lives and typical jobs. And most of us are reasonably well balanced in our personal lives"
"Unfortunately there are a few bad apples out there who can create havoc in your BDSM group - whether it be just a small munch, a social group, or a large organizations"
"When people tell me about their fears, it's usually about guests who might "out" us to our community, embarrass us at our job, or maybe even be an ax murderer. But in fact, the "problem" guests we've had have been none of these things. One guest we had problems with was a male Dom who was intimidating a novice female sub, telling her that she had to do "everything" he said or she wasn't "submissive." (oldest line in the book eh?). One Domme wrote me inappropriate e-mails with veiled threats. Yet another Dom had zero social skills, and insulted and annoyed just about every guest at the party. And there have been a large number of guests who are needy victim types, and bring the chaos of their personal lives into our group.
"While screening cannot prevent all these kinds of problem people, it can go a long way toward minimizing the number of problems you're likely to have. The very fact that you are screening guests prevents most of the looky-loos, liars, and wannabes from joining the group..."Exactly. I tend to agree with the Fredericton BDSM group, who's joining procedure page states:
"It really is not that hard to join, we just have to weed out the people that are there to really hurt people and to protect the already active members in the group"What this means in practical terms for new people is they may not be able to attend our events as quickly as they want to, but once they have been screened they can be very comfortable about the fact that they will be welcomed by genuine kinksters at the group's events. And that's a very important point when people are attending their very first event.
We try to counter any confusion caused by the screening system by offering an in group welcomer / greeter program. While this has now been picked up by several Fetlife regional groups, I can't take credit - I swiped it entirely from the greeters program of the Uncommon Bonds website after spending some time with group members in Christchurch, New Zealand. This has been working well, encouraging new members to actually take that final last step and attend an event.
We often have several new people wanting to attend each month. As I wrote to morningstar, we always "allow for the fact that at least half the first timers won't show ... but will next month". And it does often work like that ... that there is often this need to retreat briefly again before the final plunge.
With this latest munch we were expecting four new people. Two were no shows. Of the two new people who DID come, one had scene experience and was using the munch as a first step back into the scene after several years away, so in a way their case was different (but very common. A lot of people do take a break from the scene, but that's a story for another post). The other canceled last month and finally made it this time :). I hope that person won't mind my quoting a little of the private correspondence they sent me later:
Their words echo Ms160sSecretPet's:"I had an absolutely wonderful time ... A total breeze of fresh air to finally sit down, relax ... in such a comfortable setting ... and enjoy relaxed, open minded conversation"
"I was ... very proud of myself that I have taken the step to reach out and meet so many like minded people, right here in my own community ... It was nice to know that there are REAL people in this world, and some even close to home, that are there to talk with and act as a support to me"It seems that good munch groups - when they work, LOL - can provide that support and advice, or lead to individual friendships that also provide these qualities. As can the friendships that form when like minds meet one on one, or when D/s couples meet. Here's Serving B again:
"I really don't know how large our lifestyle social circle will become. Right now, I am enjoying the quality of the people B and I have met...
"The couples we have met are really upstanding folk who have hobbies, careers, families, and very interesting lives outside of D/s. We have our share of vanilla friends who we enjoy socializing with as well. But there is something very special sitting down to a meal with people who understand what this is all about. It's reassuring, too. Her Majesty said as much during our brunch when she talked about how loving and attentive her husband is. "It's a very special kind of relationship!"
"Indeed it is, and it is really great getting together with such fine folk who understand it"And that - I thought as we drove home from Mt Tamborine - is the crux of the whole kinky first contact thing, really, isn't it? Being together with "fine folk who understand it".
Finally.. :)
REFERENCES + ONLINE RESOURCES:
BLOG FRIENDS I'VE QUOTED:
Her Majesty's Plaything Kinky Brunch with B and SB
Morningstar - Munches
Serving B Socializing
NEVER ATTENDED A MUNCH BUT WANT TO?
READ FIRST:
Jay Wiseman's A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Munches
THEN:
House of De Sade History of Munches
Mistress Ren and LesVoiles How to start a Munch
Ms Constance What to Expect at a Munch
Sensuous Sadie How to Screen Guests for a BDSM Organization
Stu's Beginners Guide to Munches
FINDING A MUNCH NEAR YOU:
Fetlife.com is a great place to start. Join (its free) and then check out the regional groups section. I promise, you'll find something!
If you live in southern Qld / northern NSW:
- MS160's Northern NSW munch group
- Ms160s group - Want to attend a Northern NSW group munch?
- Ms160's group - First Contact with other kinksters? Meet our welcomers / greeters :)
Photos:
Ms160
View from Mt Tamborine
Photo: courtesy Gold Coast Things To Do
Ms160
View from Mt Tamborine
Photo: courtesy Gold Coast Things To Do
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