You've gone.
Despite knowing it was coming, it just doesn't seem possible.
You and those you love have played such an important role in sol's and my kinky life. It's almost impossible to count the many firsts we shared with you:
You were our first
scene friends:
You organized the first scene events we attended:
The fact that sol's birthday always occurred near a Black Sash Salon meant we knew we'd get to at least one a year. And boy, did we have some fun over the years. There was the year
we turned sol into a birthday cake, lit candles and started the fire alarm .... and then there was the year
Daddy_K gave sol angel wings on his back from a birthday flogging....
You and I shared so much kinky education stuff, from
an Uber panel together with MzAntonina talking about
finding a dominant to
attended workshops together, including
your and my first play piercing experience:
My
first double caning was with you:
You were evil with a cane, and I loved caning with you.
Then there was our
first maid training scene - which of course included our first "oh my God I've fucked up" play moment:
Sol's first suspension was the most amazing event, we can never thank you both enough:
You also joined ClubFEM - NSW and attended our
first ClubFEM - NSW tea party as well as other tea parties.
You were a terrific writer, including these words of wisdom:
And you were helping others learn their craft right up til the end:
MsGR shows a new female dominant
how to use a paddle at MzAntonina's tea party
You taught me about switching. That's a huge debt I owe you, and I'm really sorry for sending so many newbies who needed to talk to a real switch to you, but I still maintain you were the best person to talk to them.
You had a penchant for suggesting
seriously fiendish pervetables:
and
other items that made me laugh out loud:
You
seriously loved a new toy try out:
sol's bum after MsGR tried out our new delrin cane
You had
so much style:
Your hair got shorter, but was always - true to your name - gorgeously red. At the ClubFEM tea party in early Dec 2009 it was a fiery red short pixie cut:
By MzAntonina's tea party in May it was shorter and scarlet in places:
By The Gathering in October it was all gone. But you looked amazing. You hated being told you looked good when you were sick as much as you hated the thought of looking sick, and you would not believe us all when we told you that you really had the right skull for doing the bald thing. But you did.
It was at The Gathering that I truly faced that we were losing you. There was a moment ... I was up the front of the Women In BDSM workshop on the panel and you were seated near the door. You really were not well but you were there and damn well supporting the event and the topic of the workshop. And then suddenly you were gone. Your place was empty.
Although that was not the last time I saw you the anticipation of loss flared in me that moment, intense and desperate. But it was nothing to the pain and loss of
AugustusSeizeHer, who's agony and awareness of what was to come rolled through the entire underground car park later that day when we spoke to him. His pain sucked the light from the walls. "I am lost" he writes on Fetlife.
We are all lost a little, without you.
Towards the end I was the one you called when you needed to speak of end games and exit strategies, of avoiding final indignities, of ways to regain control. I would be factual and practical and offer suggestions and then I would get off the phone and hit tennis balls so hard to the Xmas Present that they would get stuck in trees.
I would rage against the unfairness. You raged too. You were not going into that long night silently. You'd been badly shaken some time earlier when you'd discovered that your life would quickly decline without chemo, but at that time you still had the option to continue. Now you stood in that place without options. You insisted I take on board that you were not bravely facing death, that surrounded by those you loved you went to pieces.
I heard you. But still, my heart broke with love and pride at your courage and your acceptance and your grace and your dignity.
Only a week ago you were telling me about the "lots of love and kinky nortiness" that went down on your birthday. How can someone who burned so bright, be gone? Fuck, you'd kill me for all these cliches.
I really cannot stop grinning about the fact that your funeral is
a Fetlife event. You'd have loved it:
Funeral of Miss Gawjus Redhead, Empress Anita I
“funeral cremation gawjus anita redhead”
General info
date: Friday, November 19, 2010
time: 11:30 AM to 12:15 PM
where: West Chapel, Eastern Suburbs Memorial Park and Crematorium
address: 43-61 Military Road Matraville
cost: Tears
dress code: Standard street clothes - ideally with a modest, understated kink flourish that Her Majesty would appreciate
Description
Her most Gracious Majesty, Tormentor of Wayward Boys, Mistress of Puppets, Wielder of the Golden Cane, the Empress Anita I floated into the eternal night before dawn on Tuesday, 16 November 2010.
Her courtiers, Her subjects, Her attendants, and visiting Dignitaries are commanded to attend Her one last time for Her remembrance oration and subsequent cremation.
"Wielder of the Golden Cane", indeed
. I'll be there, and sol will be there in spirit. And then I'll rewrite my BDSM For Beginners post on rituals and ceremonies to include kinky funerals.
You achieved so much in those last years, went so many places, fulfilled so many dreams. That sounds like another appalling cliche but
you both made things happen. That was such a rare gift. As was your bond.
Your last dream was to see the
Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra play in Sydney. I don't know whether your tickets were for tonight or Saturday, but in the end neither was achievable. Know that for us left behind, every joy filled note of Mahler's 1st symphony will echo in memory of you.
