Mistress160's Abode: Catharsis

Mistress160 and solipsist · at 6:48 PM

The photos in this post show sol and Daddy_K
playing at a Black Sash event in 2009

I've experienced some very intense scenes, and used play sometimes to relieve sol's stress, but I've never seen play used so compassionately and so powerfully as at the play party after MsGawjuzRedhead's funeral and wake.

Who attended, and what occurred at that event should remain private. But I spent the plane trip home and the next few days thinking about the solace that physical play like corporal punishment (caning / flogging, etc) can provide, when you are deeply grieving or experiencing some other profound emotion.

You often read about scenes described as "cathartic" online. "Profound and cathartic" is one term that occurs a lot. Others use the word like BDSM presenters Master Gallad and slave kelly, who's bio reads:

"BDSM play for them has developed in a way that enhances the Master/slave dynamic, not only through physical aspects, but as part of spiritual enhancement through cathartic play sessions"

What they - and many other kinksters - achieve via cathartic play sessions sounds extraordinary. But what exactly does the term mean?

Wiki describes Catharsis as:

"Catharsis or katharsis (Ancient Greek: κάθαρσις) is a Greek word meaning "cleansing" or "purging". It is derived from the verb καθαίρειν, kathairein, "to purify, purge," and it is related to the adjective καθαρός, katharos, "pure or clean."

More recently:

"The term catharsis has ... been adopted by modern psychotherapy, particularly Freudian psychoanalysis, to describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions often associated with events in the individual's past which had originally been repressed or ignored, and had never been adequately addressed or experienced..."

What about a specific BDSM reference? Here's Spanking Wiki:

"In BDSM, catharsis refers to the emotionally healing effects of releasing pent-up emotions through chastisement. Flagellation, spanking etc. can have a cathartic effect for both the top and the bottom, it allows both partners to release emotions"

Spanking Wiki discusses this a bit further in the entry on therapeutic spanking:

"Therapeutic spanking, also known as spanking therapy, is a term used to describe spanking which is given neither primarily for punishment nor for an erotic purpose. Instead, spanking is used as a therapeutic measure for its curative effects. Therapeutic spanking is usually given in a style that employs the phrases and actions of disciplinary spanking, but in a kind of roleplaying. It is fully consensual and implemented on the explicit request of a person who feels they need to be spanked..."

The entry also discusses the medical uses of spanking and flagellation:

"Whipping has long been used as a form of therapy, for example in traditional Buddhist/Tibetan medicine, or Europe from Antiquity up to the 19th century, e.g. for patients who suffered from mental diseases.
"In 1629, the German physician Johann Heinrich Meibom wrote De Flagrorum Usu in Re Veneria & Lumborum Renumque Officio about the use of flogging as a sexual stimulant, which became a best seller over the centuries and was translated into many languages ... In 1698, the German medical botanist and poet Kristian Frantz Paullini wrote the book Flagellum Salutis in which he praises flagellation for curative use (e.g. for diseases such as melancholia, paralysis, toothache, sleepwalking, deafness, and nymphomania) as well as for pleasure... The Swedish graphologist Hans Scheike developed a form of spanking therapy in the 1960s.
"In 2005, Russian scientists reported that they found "whipping therapy" to be an effective means against alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts and psychosomatic diseases. The scientists recommend the following course of the whipping therapy: 30 sessions of 60 whip lashes on the buttocks in every session. They explain the results, which they say were "good and excellent", by the body's endorphin mechanism..."

"Cathartic play" is also often linked to "therapeutic play":

"Therapeutic play refers to play that involves catharsis, healing, and other conscious choices by the partners to delve into or modify the bottom's behavior or feelings. The goal of therapy in BDSM is not to compete with, pretend to be, or supplant licensed therapists. It is instead an exploration of the fact that loving, caring partners often do help each other overcome trauma and challenges, and often do help each other strive for behavioral changes and improvements in their lives"

That quote comes from non-famous Lauren's "Out of the Shadows. About BDSM" series: "Part 4. Therapy and Behavioral Modification in BDSM". She covers various kinds of therapeutic BDSM, including kinksters with histories of abuse:

"A more dramatic but widely reported kind of catharsis sometimes occurs for those individuals who have experienced abuse in their lives. People who both do BDSM and were abused or raped as children (or adults) sometimes have an experience of enlightenment from playing consensually. The abuse they were subjected to was by definition not consensual, not something they could control, and not something they could get away from. By contrast, bottoming to a beloved under the circumstance of prior loving discussion and the top's clear concern and fear to violate consent is an enlightening from a burden of fear that may have been with the bottom for a lifetime. The simple gift of having safeword and the ability to stop the action -- and thus also the ability to choose to go on -- can be an act of joy, self-empowerment, and catharsis that changes someone's life"

Some friends talk about cathartic play as a form of "closure". "Closure" of course is another tricky 20th century word that needs careful defining. Wiki says:

"Closure is a popular psychology term. It refers to a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life. The term became popular in the 1990s due to its use in the popular media. The term cognitive closure has been defined as "a desire for definite knowledge on some issue and the eschewal of confusion and ambiguity."[1] Need for closure is a phrase used by psychologists to describe an individual’s desire for a firm solution as opposed to enduring ambiguity."

"Closure" is offered all over the place ... you can even find it on the internet - Robert Fulford noted in his column on "closure" in The National Post (November 10, 2001) that:

"People recovering from love affairs also sometimes yearn for closure -- and some find it on the Internet. One place to go is www.geocities.com/Athens/Cyprus/3199/, where the first page says "Get Closure! Store your emotional baggage with us!"

"You write an account of your broken relationship, explain what you learned from it, and include a final message for your former beloved. The message will be delivered to his or her e-mail address, with musical accompaniment chosen by the sender from a list that includes I Am a Rock and I Can See Clearly Now"

??!!??. That particular site has vanished, I hope it helped some people before it did! Personally I regard the concept of closure in a similar way to Sherry Russell who's article on "Sorrow and Closure" begins:

"Is there really anything as closure in grief? If so, where are the steps to finding it?...

"If we were to have closure, would it be with the external grief, the internal grief or both? External grief being caused by the loss of a loved one is like guileful venom invading the body and mind. Internal grief is having the venom invade your spiritual soul. Closure is supposed to be a finalization. It is supposed to tie up all the loose ends neatly and orderly, making some kind of sense out of what has happened. Where did it ever become acceptable to say grief had a "closure"?

"I can't except closure as an option to ending grief. Grief isn't a contained element. It shifts and changes constantly. One does not get over their grief. Instead, a way is found to interlace the way life was with the way life has become to make a new reality. A new reality filled with chosen memories of a loved one while going on with life.

"Who would really want closure? If we were to accept closure as a part of grief, would that mean an end to memories and feelings? Would it mean that we agree they are gone forever rather than keeping them alive through memories? ...

"Grief makes people feel alone. They long for the physical presence of their loved one. Grief makes people feel abandoned and full of emptiness ... Grief is confusing. A grieving person is conflicted with the difference between remembering their loved one and identifying with their pain.... A new reality must be created. A reality that focuses on future goals and responsibilities to other family members and friends. A reality where their loved one lives in their hearts and dreams but not in their physical world. There isn't a "finish line" to cross. It is never finished. It only changes.Grief can be paralyzing. Some find grief a roadblock to reaching further potential in life but for many, grief teaches us to live life to the fullest. To be non-judgmental of others, to live fearlessly and more lovingly toward one another. If closure were possible we wouldn't learn the lessons grief teaches. We wouldn't learn that healing comes when we feel for another's pain. We wouldn't learn to live in the moment and honor the time we have with loved ones and friends every day. Grief is fiercely individual and acutely private"

I find a lot of truth in these words, and they have brought me comfort on one level. But they can't touch the additional, very very intense loss relating to the kinky dynamic. lyre_and_brimstone (who I was honored to finally meet just before MzGawjusRedhead's funeral and who I hope will forgive me quoting her post in full ... it was impossible to edit a single word) expresses this perfectly in her poignant Fetlife note "Losing A Dominant":

"Losing my Dominant - not through breaking up, ending the relationship consensuallly, or a failure to process, but through the most final of truncations (death) - has left me aware of certain things.

"Firstly it is that kink only travels in me so far, and yet further than I would have expected. Beyond the power dynamic of our relationship (which was relatively non sexual, and based on service, respect and an understanding that I wished to be there for Her, whatever She may need) there is the simple human pain of having a void now, a void She should occupy - the screaming madness that She isn't there. The infant voice that supports rationales of mythical fairness that yells and rails 'Why?!'. Of having lost a friend, someone I considered family. That's the first, most basic, and universal ache here.

"There is then the sense of lost futures, of places to which our connection may have travelled that will now no longer be. That is a very painful thing indeed. "I am so pissed off at your cancer," I said before She died, and She agreed. The places we wanted to go were deep, and we both knew so. And yet.

"There is the loss of direction, the loss of knowing where one fits in a household when the person to whom you answer is absent. And will forever be. So you end up swinging between scurrying about doing everything, or sitting listlessly doing nothing and not knowing how. Because there's no driver. Nobody at the wheel of your role.

"There is also a big gap, and a cautious awareness that filling that gap too soon with anything more than simple play would be very, very fickle and dangerous. A little pain may not go astray, but letting anyone take the wheel would be pasting a mask over something that needs to sit and simmer. But that gap is a canyon in which a holy angry river sounds, and it booms that the submissive in me is very lost and hurt. So knowing what to do is difficult - pour in sand? No. Cover it over to muffle the sound? No.
"I have borne many griefs before but the loss of Dominant is a new and shocking stripe that only time, community, and a wariness of my own motivations will fix. Careful steps outwards, slow adjustment, and maybe one day a nurtured belief that something this good will arrive again. For now, it is the booming river"

In the BDSM community we rarely seem to discuss this side of things ... and it's so fucking important. I've made a promise to myself to try and raise awareness, to promote (if it's already there) or create (if it's not) a space where kinksters suffering from such loses can find support and advice. Because Sherry Russell's concluding advice in regard to how to help grieving friends ("all we can do is continue to offer comfort, resources, and understanding to help strengthen them in their time of need") seems almost facile in the face of so many levels of grief.

Which brings me back to cathartic play. Because it IS a further resource we can offer grieving kinksters "in their time of need".

Skip Chasey (Master Skip) discusses what's involved in his essay "Cathartic Flogging - Merging the Erotic with the Ecstatic":

"Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines catharsis as “a purification or purgation of the emotions that brings about spiritual renewal.” Catharsis provides release from tension, an increased feeling of aliveness and can even serve as a catalyst for what Buddhists call enlightenment--a blessed state in which one sees through the illusions of unhappiness and suffering...

"There are three psycho-spiritual components to a cathartic flogging experience, each of which must be in place for catharsis to occur. The dynamics of these three components can be summarized by the words “Intention,” “Surrender” and “Focus.”

He goes through these components and also discusses the important of focus during such a scene, especially how it relates to grief:

"There are no shortcuts when it comes to grief - the only way out is through. Until we are willing to work through (i.e., fully experience) our grief, our consciousness is either focused on the past, which is marked by regret, or focused on the future, which is marked by fear. We certainly aren’t willing to live in the present moment, because doing so would bring us face-to-face with the grief we are trying to avoid"

I'd like to conclude by giving you an example of a cathartic scene, but I can't really describe what happened at the post funeral / wake play party.

What I will say is that it was an honor to be there. An honor to share that time and space with my friend's kinky family and friends. An honor to watch and assist as some, under the care and hands of experienced and compassionate friends, transformed their pain into something that lifted and defined them, that broke them, released them and brought them back not healed ... not yet ... but a little further along the personal journey their grief will take them.

I so envied them that release. It was not one I could access that evening, although it is one that Master Skip believes is possible for dominants:

"while facilitating catharsis in this manner is not therapy, it can be therapeutic. For the Dom, having a cathartic flogging experience is a little trickier, but every bit as possible. The Dom does not have the advantage of the physical sensation of the flogger to bring them back to the present moment when their mind starts to wander. Therefore, to remain in the moment they must rely on the meditative discipline of “mindful attention.” Mindful attention requires the Dom to stay focused on the flogging, stroke by stroke, and not be distracted by their thoughts or feelings, or by the emotional reaction of the sub..."

I'll look forward to working on that...

My friends that night provided a classic example of Mina of At Longings End's description of cathartic play on Kink Academy:

"Cathartic play isn’t for the beginner. It isn’t for two strangers who have just met and have decided to have an intense scene together. Cathartic play is reserved for those in trusting relationships, familiar with the ins and outs of each others minds and bodies. It’s the ultimate release and the ultimate relinquishment of power"

So as I cannot share their experiences, perhaps it's most fitting to direct you to Mina's post, which (sort of) begins:

""I’ve never needed the Dominant inside my husband more than at this very moment. He always knows exactly what I need..."

And (sort of) ends:

"“Let go,” my Dominant whispers. “Let go of yourself. Stop fighting it. Stop being the big girl. Fuck society. Let it all go. Now is your time to just submit to everything. Grab it, accept it and live it. Find your release and move past everything.”

His words hit me to the core and I give him my ultimate submission. I let the emotions hit me in waves that mimic my own orgasm. The tears fall first, soaking the blindfold. My quivering lips break into an ugly grin and I start to cry. I let it all go. I huff and puff and sniffle. My cries bounce off the ceiling in wails. As I submit to the release, he slaps each clothespin off of my body. Each removal, is met with a new wave of pain, one more intense than the last. The cries continue and I let it all go. Finally when the last pin is removed. Sylvanus rips the blindfold off of me and gathers me into his arms, cradling me like a child. My body shakes and convulses and my cries become weaker. I hear a gentle “Shh” from his lips as his fingers run through my hair. Finally, I am left in just sniffles...

"My release ends with a nice warm bath drawn by my husband. I succumb to his loving fingers as he bathes my body and washes my hair for me. It’s the first time I felt at peace all week"

Readers, you definitely want to read the rest ... and perhaps some of the articles and posts listed below, if this subject is of interest.

And thank you. This was a long post. So thank you for sticking around while I worked my own grief through :)

REFERENCES AND ONLINE RESOURCES:

Several kinksters present workshops on cathartic play. These are just a few I've found with a quick google:

Midori used to give workshops on this topic ( "CATALYTIC SCENES: Creating Scenes That Can Change Your Life") , I'm not sure if she's still offering it but you could certainly write and ask
Master Skip Chasey (contact details)
Master Taino "Cathartic Flogging"
Master z Flogging - 101 to Catharsis