Femdom tea parties: they're real + they're fun!

14 JUNE 2011

PLEASE NOTE IF YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR WAY TO THIS POST
VIA THE SENSATION FOR WOMEN SITE'S
"REAL LIFE CFNM TEA PARTIES" FORUM THREAD
THAT MY BLOG IS "DEDICATED" TO HARDCORE BDSM
NOT CFNM TEA PARTIES.

BE AWARE PLEASE
OF HARDCORE IMAGERY AND TEXT.

Last Sunday (August 2009) I co-hosted the first Femdom tea party in Brisbane.

Femdom tea parties have been around for a long time. They turn up in 1970s Femdom porn and of course in Elise Sutton's book . There are many different Femdom tea party themes ... basically the only limit is the hostess' imagination, and no one theme is the "correct" one.

One theme that has been identified with Femdom tea parties is CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male), which came about ... well, let me quote Ms Diane who was around at the start:

"CFNM as a defined erotic genre began with the Internet with a site called “Visual Sensations for Women” where it was first described and defined. The originator, a man by the name of Brad, hosted the first CFNM parties. Since then, CFNM has become a world-wide phenomenon with mainstream commercial pursuits in most major countries. If one does an Internet search for “CFNM”, the number of hits now rival that of any other sexual fetish"

True. Ms Diane explains further:

"For some, CFNM is about male exhibitionism ... For most others, including myself, the fact that CFNM involves an inequity and, if you will, an “unfairness” in that the men must be nude while the women are not. And this setting is because of the women wanting it so. This is the defining characteristic that makes CFNM different and unique. The male’s nudity places him in a position of being objectified and exploited by women subject to their whims and desires. It carries with it control and empowerment of women. It is a reversal of the traditional exploitation of nudity, and thus fits well with feminist views.

"When outside the context of sex in the bedroom, mandated nudity often places one in a vulnerable and exposed state ... In any confrontation, vulnerability defines a position of inferiority against superiority. Hence, the mandated CFNM rules of our parties establish a priori, female power, control and superiority"

And this is why there has been such a strong link between CFNM and Femdom (Ms Diane notes "polls show that about 80% of both men and women that enjoy female domination also understand and enjoy the concept of CFNM in one flavor or another")

So what happened then?

The best known of the American Ladies Tea Societies is the Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society. Wonderful title! You'll find lots of information on their website about the tea party movement in the US and the types of parties they hold:

"The first Tea Party with Naked Slaveboys hosted in the San Francisco Bay Area was not about domination, nor do they ever have to be. The naked slaveboys were indeed put in a role of quiet servitude, not allowed to speak until spoken to, and provided the women services requested such as waiting upon them, cleaning, providing bulter services, brushing their hair and offering hand and feet massages. But these servers were adored and relished by these women, and treated well. It was done as much tongue-in-cheek with all having a wonderful time.

"Other CFNM type events have occurred that are also not in the traditional BDSM/female domination genre of erotic pursuits. Thus [tea parties] aren't necessarily about D/s and interacting with subservient men. Many women that have come to Tea Parties are there not because of interests in BDSM nor in being a Domme ... However, the very nature of putting women in such a high standing and position of control over men lends itself to attracting members from the BDSM lifestyle. Nudity can create vulnerability and exposure that D/s enjoy exploiting over their subs. Thus, some Tea Parties may indeed include BDSM activities while still being consistent with the precepts of our Society.

"Some of the Tea Party members may engage in "BDSM lite" wherein there is control and a level of female supremacy permeating throughout the event whereas others (such as the New York Tea Parties) have become strictly BDSM environments including whipping of the tea servers when they failed in their duties. Our forum and discussions are not guided by the lifestyle, nor are they mutually exclusive to the lifestyle. Instead, BDSM is just one flavor of Tea Parties we invite our members to discuss and explore, but certainly are not the entirety of flavors in which Tea Parties occur. The key is to organize the event around a consistent theme and set of rules all members can abide by while still enjoying the event"

The interesting thing about tea parties is that the CFNM element has seen them cross into the vanilla world. Here's Susie Bright:

It all started when I received an invitation to attend a salon of women artists. We were offered an occasion to read aloud, sketch, and indulge ourselves in a proper High Tea. Most intriguing of all, the invitation promised we would be served our scones and punch by naked slaveboys who would not speak unless spoken to. The aspect of social nudity was of course titillating, but would ordinary men actually keep their lips buttoned for an approximately five-hour affair? That had to be seen to be believed. I wouldn't have missed it for the world..."

When the event doesn't quite go as planned Bright decides to hold her own tea party:

"Of course, we were interested in why a man would want to serve at our party. The most common motive expressed by the men was the excitement of being chosen to please a special group of women:

End result:

"What a day. The youngest and the oldest guests left with the words that they had never been to such an elegantly wonderful party in their lives. How silly were those who rejected our invitation in fear of sexual pressure or humiliation!"

Amongst the many comments on her post, one particularly interested me. "The concept sounds very elegant ... I don't know of anyone that holds ANY kind of tea party what so ever anymore", Tomo observes wistfully.

And this seemed to be the case in the kinky community as well. Tea parties seemed to move from real life into Femdom mythology. If you wanted to attend a tea party you read some erotica featuring one ("I can't believe this is happening, Eric thought as he unbuckled his belt. As he slid his pants and underwear down, he was semi-erect. As his penis was rather large for his size, some of the ladies gasped and chuckled when they saw it....") (read more here!) or watched some porn ("I had three of My Lady friends come over to My house for ... traditional Victorian style tea party ... I forced My male house slave to dress up as a maid in order to have the privilege of serving Us Ladies.").

At one point Bitchy Jones had kinksters convinced tea parties were one of those things "dom women don't want" :

"I want you to guess how many times I have had a tea party with all my femdom “friends”, with all of us dressed up in fetish clothing and uncomfortable shoes and we’ve all had a good old laugh about the hilarious (not *sexy* - hilarious) things we’ve made our subs do. Perhaps with a few lucky male subs on hand serving as footstools or dressed as maids. (Not *butlers*, not *naked*, *dressed* *as* *maids* - ’cause all women love that. Seriously, all the best selling romance and chick novels and films features heroes who are gorgeous and dashing and dressed as *maids*. And the next Diet Coke ad - man dressed as a maid.)

But forget that. Let’s get back to talking about me. Guess how many femdom teaparties have I been to. Go on. Guess. How many?You’ve got it right. I know you have"

I remember feeling very sorry for Bitchy when I first read this post on her blog and thanking God for my own female dominant friends who DID enjoy tea parties AND having access to men who enjoyed stripping down, or dressing up, whatever our desires were. Because despite Bitchy's rant (you can read the rest here if you want) female dominants DO enjoy these things, and do enjoy socializing together. In fact we enjoy these things very much.

I remember wincing when I read Bitchy's post over comments like this one: "cake and tea are utterly ruined by fetish clothing. It is disgusting like red wine with fish or white after labour day. Or a penis in panties". If Bitchy had ever been invited to a tea party she'd realize one doesn't wear fetish clothing. The point is to be comfortable and have a great time with friends, both guests and servers.

And this is why the tea party thing is reviving. Because it is so much fun. Pure and simple. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. They are turning up on kinky calendars all over the planet. Probably the most infamous example was the one cited in the recent Mosley case in the United Kingdom (the BBC notes "images of a post-session impromptu tea party between Mr Mosley and his female companions [were brought to court]").

The Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society continue their parties to this day, along with groups like Tea and Strumpets ("founded in Minnesota almost ten years ago and modeled informally on a San Francisco group. The group has been holding teas in private homes using the female dominant/goddess model, with male submissives in service for Sunday afternoons of tea and naughtiness"). Femdom tea parties now even take place at kinky conventions (such as the Formal Tea at BEYOND LEATHER in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida).

SheMakesTheRules.com, owned by QueenBee Debbie and AnneInCharge, have been putting on tea parties so far this year in Portland and also at Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture, where Fem Domme Teas now occur monthly. Mistress Katherine has been observing their evolution on her blog:

"Apparently the set up is somewhat formalized in a manner that brings forth happy images from novels like Exit to Eden. A bunch of dominant ladies enjoying tea and finger sandwiches on a stage-like platform while below us a small herd of nakid, or mostly nakid, submissive men wait for the opportunity to be called into service. Human furniture and foot massages further sweeten the pot. And after chatting with some ladies and a couple of boys on Saturday it looks like there will be more then a few familiar faces to make the occasion special"

Mistress Katherine enjoyed the first tea party. And the next one. She made these thoughtful points about their organization (and I hope won't mind my huge quote):

"The first Tea I went to, while very fun, was a bit imbalanced with the female to male ratio being roughly 2/1. But as I suspected would happen, word got out and last month's party saw a considerable swelling in numbers as well as a near perfect balance of the men to women quota. If this trend continues, I will be not at all surprised if there aren't just more folks at today's Tea but that the pendulum will continue its swing and there will be more servants then ladies to be served...

"The event is still in its infancy and I know of at least a couple of concerns/critiques people have had so far. First that, honoring the servant nature of the males present, it was hard for some to discover the play interests of our submissives. I think most of the ladies, myself included, liked the idea of getting some play in but not all the boys there were necessarily masochistic. The same can be said for more overtly sexual activity. It'd be nice to have the info readily available, possibly posted somewhere in the space.

"I think the above is a relatively minor thing, the other complaint I heard might shift the energy considerably. The woman in charge is clearly of the female top/male bottom mentality ... But some of us ladies like to play with girls too. So far the event announcements have only been a call to arms for dominant women and submissive men. When asked, the organizer had replied that female submissives were welcome to join the fun, but they would need to be aware of, and comfortable with, working along side mostly males, who'll be mostly nakid.

"It will be interesting to see if we have any female servers this time and if it changes the energy and dynamic of the event in any un-forseen ways. Will the girls get preferential treatment. Will the boys feel threatened, get competitive, or try to play protector? There seemed to be the beginnings of the "common bond" thing among the men. Will having a nakid girl in their midst destroy that?"

I find her comments very interesting, being a Femdom tea party hostess and workshop organizer myself. Sol and I enjoy attending Femdom tea parties. We also hold Femdom tea parties at our D/s retreat (EDIT June 2011: I now co-host tea parties in Sydney with MzAntonina and also host tea parties as Head Mistress of ClubFEM - NSW). Some of these are CFNM themed but many are not.

For me, the "theme" of a Femdom tea party is far less important than the service aspect. Yes, servers are pretty to look at, whether naked or dressed in full Butler or French Maid or sissy outfits, however it's the quality of their service as servers that makes or breaks a Femdom tea party event.

I think too often this side of things can be forgotten in the fun and games. The first priority of a Femdom tea party should be flawless service, and the quality of that service at each event reflects on the hostess.

Equally important is the acknowledgment and implementation of Femdom protocols. Yes, each hostess is different. However - and this is something we particularly need to watch in Australia - there is such a thing as being too relaxed. The Femdom tea party is a Femdom event and it's organization and the behavior of those attending should reflect this.

I'm writing a separate post on how to run one of these events, and of course you can also come to one of my workshops, but I will stress this one point now: a good hostess puts a lot of thought and effort into the selecting of her servers. These events succeed or fail in a myriad of ways linked to the servers, and a good hostess is required to juggle everything from numbers (too many servers make the guests uncomfortable) to service experience (ideally creating a team of servers both with and without experience) to kinky orientation (mixing subs with "do me / punishment" personalities with those who have a genuine desire to serve / please, can be disastrous).

A good hostess will create a strong server team over time but how does she first establish the criteria she uses for server selection? Certainly the subs of guests are known to her, but even in this case she is still missing vital information regarding their experience and interests. And what of complete unknowns who contact the hostess requesting to serve? How can she tell if these are real kinksters?

After observing several first time tea party hostesses - experienced kinksters who put great care into selecting their play partners - hand over their home address details to complete strangers, I decided to work on some way to not only vet the unknowns but provide further info on guests' subs who were put forward to serve. The result was a questionnaire for prospective servers that I handed out to hostesses who attended my "Fine Art of Holding a Femdom Tea Party" workshop. The hostesses then modified the document during the workshop to suit their own individual interests and desires, and were then able to send it to everyone interested in serving at their own events.

The Q worked both ways. When filled in properly, it provided details of service and Femdom protocol experience, interests, medical conditions that may make serving difficult, permissions for kinky play, ownership permissions etc for the hostess, who was then able to make an informed decision as to whether to use a particular individual or not. So far the Q has proved extremely useful to half a dozen hostesses. It has stopped swingers from infiltrating kinky events (the Q revealed they expected sex with the Dommes lol) and has also been very successful in halting last minute no shows by new servers.

And this is what I mean by working both ways. The Q also reassures the server as to what is likely to happen at the event, provides a way to ask about anything that's bothering him and also reassures him that the hostess is aware of his experience, interests and limits. It's worked so well that I have now created a version of the document for men interested in serving to send direct to forthcoming tea party event organizers and hostesses.

If you are interested in obtaining either version of the Q, drop me a line with an email address :)

THE FIRST MAD HATTER'S TEA PARTY

The first tea party in Brisbane came about after Mistress Angelicca and I were in correspondence re having two tea parties on the same day. As a courtesy I canceled mine and agreed to give her a hand, as this was her first tea party event.

Sol and I attended Mistress Satet's needle workshop and play party on Saturday. Sunday at Angelicca's was tea party time. Here's a photo of sol getting ready:


He wore his waistcoat for warmth, and kept the apron while guests arrived. When all the guests had been served tea and were comfortable, off came the aprons of our four servers:

You'll note a rather hairy server on the far right there. He very kindly stepped in at the last minute and was not able to shave, as was required by all servers. Don't the four boys look nice? Trust sol to be behind the couch!

Then it was time to serve all the really wicked food Angelicca and other guests kindly provided:


Afterwards we enjoyed hand massages:


And foot baths and massages:

And backrubs:


Mistress Angelicca enjoyed personal pleasuring from her sub via her queening stool:


And this was followed by a little chastisement:


I should point out that kinky and sexual play only occur at tea party events where the group is familiar with each other, and that Mistress Angelicca is using her husband here. This type of sexual play is quite uncommon at Femdom tea parties. After observing servers' confusion and distress at other events where sexual play took place, I made sure the server's questionnaire states this and also requests confirmation whether the server would be interested in taking part in kinky or sexual play, and if so what types of play would be of interest.

A great time was had by all at the first Mad Hatter's group event. I hope Angelicca won't mind me quoting the email she later wrote to our servers:

"to the 4 gentlemen that made the afternoon such a huge success ... you guys rock. You all put in a huge effort!!! Without such an effort, the afternoon would not have been anywhere near as much fun, or relaxing. I know that I can speak for everyone when I say that the naked bodies where a huge pleasure, and the service was done both with dignity and good grace, despite your naked state. I was extraordinarily impressed!"

UPDATE 2011:

As I stressed above, there is no "right" way of hosting a tea party, every hostess' way is "right". However, some of us prefer to attend parties with stricter protocols and with themes other than CFNM. I look forward to seeing these happen in Brisbane as more hostesses begin holding parties and expressing their own interests in the local scene there. For example, see this recent thread on Fet, where female kinksters were discussing holding tea parties with naked female servers.

I now host parties as part of my duties as Head Mistress of ClubFEM - NSW, sometimes with a high protocol component. Sol and I really have a lot of fun at these events, and we meet some fantastic people. You might also like to check out some of these posts, to tea parties I've hosted since 2009:

• ClubFEM - NSW inaugural tea party Dec 2009
  

• Sissy Tea Party co-hosted with MzAntonina May 2009

• Sissy Tea Party co-hosted with MzAntonina May 2010
  

• ClubFEM - NSW High Protocol Tea Party with Victorian theme co-hosted with MzAntonina May 2011 (this was a mixed gender server event) (this was an amazing event)
  

If you want to learn more about Femdom tea parties, have a look through the articles and links below. If you are in the US I highly recommend joining the Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society. They are a fountain of knowledge on this subject.

If you are in Australia you might like to join my Australian Femdom Tea Party Group on Fetlife, which has threads on related workshops and a Want to Serve at a Femdom Tea Party? thread, where boys can put their names down and be seen by hostesses.

REFERENCES AND ONLINE RESOURCES:

Visual Sensations for Women - Empowering the Visual Woman
(for info on the origins of the concept of Clothed Female/Naked Male ("CFNM") situations, events and parties)
An Interview with Ms Diane
(an extremely interesting and detailed interview from Elise Sutton's E-zine magazine)
travisb The Ladies Tea Party (erotic story)
Susie Bright Strip Tea Party
Bitchy Jones What dom women don't want
Mistress Katherine

Fetlife groups:

• Australian Femdom Tea Party Group
• Ladies' Tea Societies
• Tea Fetish
• Domme Ladies Tea and Terrorist Society, Seattle
• Chanoyu - the Japanese Way of Tea
• CFNM

Other Femdom tea societies:

• Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society
• Tea and Strumpets (founded in Minnesota almost ten years ago and modeled informally on a San Francisco group. The group has been holding teas in private homes using the female dominant/goddess model, with male submissives in service for Sunday afternoons of tea and naughtiness)

Thank you:
Susie Bright Strip Tea Party
Mistress Katherine
Bitchy Jones What dom women don't want

Photos:
Ms160
(with permission of tea party
attendees and servers)
1970s photos from
An Interview with Ms Diane