Musings: rebuilding trust in a D/s marriage

Recently my musings on the intricacies of D/s marriages have led me to xpost and quote posts on the subject that resonate for me. Sometimes someone else gets the words exactly right, lol. Last week Tea and Oranges (in their post "The work of making gold") explored three non negotiable words central to their relationship: loyalty, friendship and love. This week Mrs Claudia adds three more:

"In order for the D/s relationship to work TRUST is the #1 component. Second to that is COMMUNICATION. What makes them both possible is a little word we call RESPECT...

"Trust is something that has been broken between My husband and I for a very long time. Right now each day we are rebuilding the trust between us but it is a long, hard road to travel. It is a road I honestly wish we would have never had to go down. Once trust is broken between two people it takes years to get it back. If both partners are not totally willing to give the relationship 100%, one will end up doing something to break the trust that is so fragile.

"Trust needs to be built between the Wife and husband, the Domme and the sub. As my husband, I need to be able to trust him that he is not going to go cheat on me or do things behind my back. As his Wife, he needs to know I will not cheat on him, leave him or do anything behind his back.

"Now as my submissive the trust runs much deeper. I need to be able to trust that if I issue a rule, that it will be followed. If there is a question or concern, I need to create a way that my submissive can come to me and talk about it. He needs to know that I am not going to take my new found power and take advantage of him or play games. He needs to know with all his soul that his best interest is my first priority..."

Mrs Claudia then discusses communication ("crucial to any relationship but especially a D/s relationship") and trust, which:

"once broken, are rebuilt slowly. Respect is what makes both of these two vital issues work. If there is no respect between two people then there will be no trust and no communication. Both my husband and I didn't respect each other prior to transforming our marriage. I think the minute I decided to give the FemDom life a real try, and he believed it was real, his respect for me blossomed.

"Once full respect was rebuilt by us both, our relationship took off. I found my husband loving me more, communicating more and trusting me more. I also found the devotion he had for me deepened to a level I did not think was possible. Now we respect eachother 100%. I trust him 90% and our communication is better than ever. It is still not perfect, but it is getting there."

I would sincerely recommend anyone interested in this subject visit Mrs Claudia's blog to read her entire post, which includes many important examples of these core issues and values applied to her own marriage. Its always a relief to know a friend's D/s marriage is doing well, but I find Mrs Claudia's post makes me wonder about those who are still struggling.

We constantly balance / juggle these relationships - wife / husband / Domme / sub - each role intrinsically bound up in the other. But what happens to the D/s component of a marriage when the marriage itself falters? Can these complex relationships be separated? Must both these important components of a D/s marriage be lost? If a marriage hits a bad patch, should its D/s side be put on hold - or would attempts to continue this side of things (keeping in mind the levels of trust and respect involved) actually help other issues be resolved?

Loyalty. Friendship. Love. Now respect. Communication. And trust. What other words should we add?

Mrs Claudia is 100% right when she says broken trust takes years to heal. But it is essential to try, and for each partner to communicate to the other their commitment to try. The result is, indeed, fragile, but between two people who are sincerely trying to regain it, the rebirth of trust is an extraordinary thing. There is nothing more precious, because its existance signifies the endurance of love and the possibility of a future.

(Many thanks: Mrs Claudia
"Trust + Communication = RESPECT"
30 April 2007 Starting a FemDom Marriage
and Tea and Oranges )
(Top photo: provenance unknown -
checking deviantART)